Monday, January 23

Lights are on but no one's Delhomme

How exciting is it that Seattle's going to Superbowl Extra Large? I bet downtown was nuts! N-V-T-S, nuts!

We're having another party, natch. I did the wise thing and took that Monday off. Last year, my husband and I called out sick and wound up tapping the keg (subsequently calling out the following day as well).

An-t-way, everyone who came last year is invited! ...Except for Kelly. She knows what she did*. And our neighbors Bill and Cassy. How hard is it to walk across the breezeway into your own apartment to argue? And Giovanni Ribisi. For the last time, I'M MARRIED! Get over it.

I caught a quick glimpse of this guy one the sidelines and swore to my husband that's what our son will look like. Now, not so much. I was drinking- what can I say. And I love this guy's name: Loaf a Tartufo.

*Very Paris Hilton of me, I know.

Friday, January 20


Eminem married a tranny!

Tuesday, January 17

Just let me say this about that...

I love the Golden Globes. It's the first one my husband ever watched. I assured him he'd like it since alcohol was involved.

Steve Correll's acceptance speech almost made up for Jason Lee getting the shaft...

Speaking of which, why the fuck wasn't Rescue Me nominated? Just like Chris Rock, I guess Denis Leary pisses too many people off.

Would it kill Dakota Johnson to smile? I'm sure it's rough having Melanie Griffith for a mom, but c'mon! She's old enough to know how to fake it.

And I supposed Gwyneth Paltrow was going straight to her Christening after the ceramony?

Did you not want to eat up Natalie Portman with a spoon? That cute little pixie! And I was diggin Adrian Brody's strut tuxedo.

Two things that bugged the shit out of me: First, Scarlet Johanson going, "Woo!" after her name was called. And Mariah Carry drawing out her words to sound like Marilyn Monroe with a slow leak, "The nahhhhhhhhminees for best hhhhhhactor are...." Gag me.

But no award ceramony is complete without a masturbatory reference from George Clooney.

And when the hell is Johnny Depp going to get his due?!?!?!?!?!? I'm just sayin' is all...

*Late Addition:

Seeing Kyra Sedgwick last night made me think, "How many degrees of seperation am I from Kevin Bacon?" As it turns out, four:
I was in Ragtime with Mandy Patinkin:
Mandy Patinkin was in The Princess Bride with Robin Wright Penn:
Robin Wright Penn was in She's So Lovely with Sean Penn:
Sean Penn was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.

Monday, January 16

Slow Work Day

SJ over at Give Me The Booger wrote this post that mentions being a stay at home mom.

My husband and I are on the two year plan to have a kid -banking half my paycheck every time. Living in New Jersey, it's a luxury to stay with the kids on our salaries. And I'll be damned if we both have to work full time -plus a part time job- to pay for day care. It would crush me to have some 20 year old tell me my kid said their first word today.

And you know who I blame? Gloria Steinem. That's right. I said it. Gloria Fucking Steinem.

Here's how I see it- more women in the workplace tipped the scales in favor of job demand. Less workers:greater need for employees:higher wages:single income families. The pendulum has swung the other way and my generation HAS to work. Good going. Now we don't have a choice either.

And I probably opened a huge can of worms here, but fuck it! I'm pissed off that I have to suffer because thirty five years ago, some crusty bitches were tired of cooking pot roast every night.

Drunk Dialing**

Dangerous diversion, indeed. So allow me to publicly apologize to my many friends across the country. Last weekend, my husband and I consumed two bottles of wine, lord knows how many beers and then quite a few rum and cokes... He passed out- and since I couldn't have a BGP of one, running my mouth seemed like the next best thing.

At least I'm smart enough (now) to erase any ex's numbers immediately upon dissolution of the relationship for exactly this reason.

I vaguely recall leaving a few slurred messages for friends that did not pick up. Ugh, to be witty on the fly whilst hammered.... the messages invariably start off something like this, "Hello. This is Mrs. Johnson from The Dildo Emporium. I'm afraid our delivery truck is not large enough for your order...."

Although I did horn in on a girl's night out at Radpants' house and was passed around like a Freshman at a frat party. Come to find out a friend is getting married in July. She was very, "I guess I want to spend the rest of my life with him- so if this is what I have to do...feh." Is it so crazy to believe her cavalier attitude is a direct result of an extra special drunken evening we spent together? Ah, memories...

Wait, what was I talking about again? .......Something to do with my sister's boyfriend calling me The Worst Lesbian.

**There should a Breathalyzer device on all phones that does not allow you to dial out once a certain point of intoxication has been met.

Wednesday, January 4

Should Old Acquaintances Be Forgot

Did everyone's New Year's celebration include running three times around a suitcase in the middle of the road, tending to wounds after an extremely inebriated friend busted his ass, and obstructing justice by hiding some kid from the cops?

Or was it just me?