Friday, March 24

The Bends

My husband's best friend was the best man at our wedding. He and his live-in girlfriend became engaged. More accurately, she and her mother went ring shopping and I guess told Gary as an after thought.

I can't stand this bitch- she's all wrong for Gary. (Get comfortable, this may take a while). She always has a sour puss on her face coupled with the personality of a man hole cover; and will henceforth be referred to as MHC.

The first few times we hung out, she was quiet. I thought it was just because of meeting someone new. Gary had a "divorce party" (has ex wife and four kids), and it was mostly MHC's friends. Same thing- an expression like she perpetually smelled shit.

We send out wedding invitations, she has gastric bypass surgery. I'm not saying it's a coincidence - just giving you a timeline.

I give my husband the green light for his bachelor party. My exact words, "Don't pork anyone or get your dick sucked." So that bitch, somehow, muscled her way into the party. I found out the weekend before and put the kibosh on that right quick. Apparently, Gary had cheated on his ex wife and stupidly told MHC. Obviously, she didn't trust him. Now, if my man is allowed to have titties in his face- I don't want her there screwing it up. And you know if poor Gary even looked up from his drink, it'd start World War III. So I put my foot down- no vagina at the party unless they're of a professional nature.

So she plans a trip for them. One week in Mexico, returning the day of our wedding. According to Gary, they got off the flight, sped home to change, got right back in the car and drove to the ceramony. Arguing the entire ride up.

So, I hadn't seen her in a few months and she lost a good 50 pounds. During the reception at the first chance I had to speak with them, I said to her, "You look fantastic." And with the same goddamn look on her face she squeaked out, "Thanks." That was it. I mean- HELLO! I usually don't fish for compliments (I outright ask for them) but c'mon! IT'S MY WEDDING DAY!! PRETTY PRINCESS DRESS!! FLAWLESS HAIR AND MAKE-UP! I got nothing.

That's when I was done.

So she's busy with a wedding coordinator for nuptuals in Venice. Honeymoon in Egypt with a reception at the Camden Aquarium for those who could not make it to Italy. Meanwhile, she's been out of work for months and Gary is on a civil servant salary. He expressed to us, in confidence, remorse for only being able to afford one Christmas present for each of his children. Did that deter her?!

My husband could not understand her selfishness. I tried to elaborate that every woman has the idea of this grandiose day pounded into her head since the age of three, with Disney and whatnot. And I bet that if you asked twenty single women to describe her ultimate wedding- seventeen of them would elaborate on the event itself. Not marrying the perfect man. Her actions were not out of the norm for people of that mindset.

Okay, so last week Gary called my man three times in one night. By the fourth call, I told him to pick up the phone- obviously something's up. I knew what it was. They got into a fight over money, it started with her wanting a box of Dunkin' Donut. I shit you not, a box. Gary already vanquished his play money for the week. Things escalated, she packed a bag and split. It was over.

I reigned in my excitement knowing these things take a few bends before it breaks completely.

And like clockwork, Gary called last night. They patched things up and are going to counseling. And may postpone the wedding.

Uh, ya think?

Thursday, March 23


From Savage Love:

Straight Rights Update: Earlier this month Republicans in South Dakota successfully banned abortion in that state. Last week the GOP-controlled state house of representatives in Missouri voted to ban state-funded family-planning clinics from dispensing birth control. "If you hand out contraception to single women," one Republican state rep told the Kansas City Star, "we're saying promiscuity is okay." On the federal level, Republicans are blocking the over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception and keeping a 100 percent effective HPV vaccine—a vaccine that will save the lives of thousands of women every year—from being made available.

The GOP's message to straight Americans: If you have sex, we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible. No birth control, no emergency contraception, no abortion services, no life-saving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough shit. You're going to have those babies, ladies, and you're going to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And if you get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that's too bad. Have a nice funeral, slut.

What's it going to take to get a straight-rights movement off the ground? The GOP in Kansas is seeking to criminalize hetero heavy petting, for God's sake! Wake up and smell the freaking Holy War, breeders! The religious right hates heterosexuality just as much as it hates homosexuality. Fight back!

Ted, Just Admit It

Over at The Stranger, there's an interesting article about a man recently convicted of murder. He acted as his own attorney and this is part of his closing argument:

We all bleed the same blood. We all cry the same tears. We all urinate the same urine. We all poop the same poop."


Wait, it gets better- this is what he said of his accomplice-

"I said we'd have sophisticated times together. I wanted to eat her booty, suck her booty, suck her toes, eat her pussy—so I was real articulate."

Speaking of insane (SOUTH PARK SPOILERS AHEAD)

That had a parade infront of it, right? Except for the Darth Vader thing. My husband doesn't think it was a particularly funny episode, especially if you weren't caught up on the inside story. I had heard that L. Ron was caught with young boys, and was going to put it in a past post, but couldn't find anything on the web to back it up. Obviously Trey and Matt heard the same thing. The ending was great- how they will remember Chef for all the laughter and not about the fruity little club that scrambled his brain. Fabulous!

Wednesday, March 22

Skills To Pay The Bills

Hey kids- sorry about the ads. But with my impending unemployment, I gotta rack up the bucks anyway I can get 'em. You understand, right? I'll be your best friend...

Tuesday, March 21

Three things...

Go here to see the entire Scientology episode of South Park before the host is forced to yank it. Gotta love The Superficial!

Also, a picture of Josh Hartnet is posted. (more from that layout here) I never found him attractive until now.

Very Don Quixote meets Cabaret.

Time needs to speed up a bit. I'm surprising my husband with a trip to the circus on Saturday. Since he's never been, I anticipate a very nice 'thank you.' My phone will be shut off the rest of the weekend.

Monday, March 20


My ten year old nephew was up for the weekend. Since I missed his birthday party (Hubby took me to The Borgota that weekend. BTW- the bathroom was a religious experience), I took him shopping. He went home with a newly pierced ear, a Green Day t-shirt, InuYasha messenger bag, Gorillaz CD and bleached out hair. I rock.

I felt bad, though- the only place that pierced ears was Claire's. Those not familiar- it's Girlie Girl Heaven. Pink and sparkles as far as the eye can see. Our converstation went something like this:

"Which ear are you going to do?

"I don't know, I have to ask them which one means you're not gay."

"Ian, they're not going to know that. This is a girl's store; they're used to doing both ears."

And a look of panic washed over his face. Thank Goddess my man was close at hand. We had to leave the store and track him down to make sure my nephew wouldn't be ostracized Monday morning.

Since he was a little nervous, I went first and did the cartilage in my right ear. Wouldn't you know it- the damn gun jammed and the bitch had to push the thing the rest of the way through. "HOLY F&#%@!!!!" I screamed on the inside. Naturally, I didn't flinch. He really wanted that earring.

Then we all went bowling. With bumpers for my four year old niece. And I still couldn't break a hundred. Pathetic.

I called my brother to join us, because everyone loves Uncle Jay. He couldn't make it because- get this- he was looking for a new apartment, with his friend, sans DogGirl. WOO-HOO!!!! My ear didn't hurt so much after that bit of good news.

Friday, March 17

The Point of Ridonkulousness

Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's South Park episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote Mission Impossible 3.

*Sigh* If anyone wants me, I'll be drowning my sorrows in a plate of corned beef and cabbage. Perhaps 2 or 13 green beers.

Thursday, March 16

Give them my best in Paramus

A dear friend of the family's just landed a gig as the manager of the Macy's Origins counter at a snooty mall. Well, she called me today, and the conversation went like this:

"Is tomorrow your last day?"

"Actually, they've asked me to stay on until the end of the month."

"Oh. Listen, you should come work for me part time. It totally won't interfere with your unemployment."

"OhMiGawd! That would be so much fun!!"

"I know, wouldn't it? And you get a 20% discount off everything."


I'm actually giving this some serious consideration. I mean, what the hell- right? I looked it up- you earn 20% more unemployment with a part-time stint while still looking for a real job type job.

And I get to put make-up on people. I've always wanted to put this to the test....

Ten points if you know which movie I stole the title from.

Tuesday, March 14

Salty Balls

I'm sure you've seen this one by now:

Isaac Hayes Quits 'South Park'

Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

Bigotry? I guess saying the line, "Crazy little crackers," doesn't count.

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem — and he's cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians."

Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Good for Matt and Trey. I saw a special on A&E last night about poligamists in Utah. And the men justified it as "Doing God's Will." (As a sidenote, one of the wives said, "It takes a stronger woman to obey her husband.")

Whatever the hell you want to do is none of my business, but stop hiding behind the mask of religion. I'd have more respect if they said, "The writers insulted my beliefs," or, "I just want to stick my dick in three different women." Ya know- just cut the bullshit already.

Speaking of hideous*:

Weeping Jesus on the Cross! He makes Diamond Dave look like Brad Pitt.

*Sorry, SJ- I had to bite

Thursday, March 9

Have you killed today? Have you tried to kill today?

I totally spaced about posting this:

Jennifer Garner slips on her way to the podium at the Oscars. You know that was JLo throwing some Santeria shit her way. Obviously because she managed to close the deal with Ben while JLo is stuck next to Skeletor.

Oh yeah, and I can't look at Russell Crow anymore and not think about that South Park bit, "Oi! Don't interrupt my speech, you vagoina!"

Okay, one more addition- How the F did a bunch of flightless birds trump this movie?! -Which should be mandatory viewing for the entire country.

Tuesday, March 7

Awwwww, yeah!

My manager just informed me that they found a replacement....and that my last day here is the 17th. I don't have a new job yet, however- my current employer is not going to dispute unemployment. Exxxcellent. Now I can relax for a few weeks and take my time seeking new employment; perhaps finish my screenplay.

The system works.

On second thought, damn! I should have done this in June. Stupid, stupid, stupid!