The Bends

My husband's best friend was the best man at our wedding. He and his live-in girlfriend became engaged. More accurately, she and her mother went ring shopping and I guess told Gary as an after thought.

I can't stand this bitch- she's all wrong for Gary. (Get comfortable, this may take a while). She always has a sour puss on her face coupled with the personality of a man hole cover; and will henceforth be referred to as MHC.

The first few times we hung out, she was quiet. I thought it was just because of meeting someone new. Gary had a "divorce party" (has ex wife and four kids), and it was mostly MHC's friends. Same thing- an expression like she perpetually smelled shit.

We send out wedding invitations, she has gastric bypass surgery. I'm not saying it's a coincidence - just giving you a timeline.

I give my husband the green light for his bachelor party. My exact words, "Don't pork anyone or get your dick sucked." So that bitch, somehow, muscled her way into the party. I found out the weekend before and put the kibosh on that right quick. Apparently, Gary had cheated on his ex wife and stupidly told MHC. Obviously, she didn't trust him. Now, if my man is allowed to have titties in his face- I don't want her there screwing it up. And you know if poor Gary even looked up from his drink, it'd start World War III. So I put my foot down- no vagina at the party unless they're of a professional nature.

So she plans a trip for them. One week in Mexico, returning the day of our wedding. According to Gary, they got off the flight, sped home to change, got right back in the car and drove to the ceramony. Arguing the entire ride up.

So, I hadn't seen her in a few months and she lost a good 50 pounds. During the reception at the first chance I had to speak with them, I said to her, "You look fantastic." And with the same goddamn look on her face she squeaked out, "Thanks." That was it. I mean- HELLO! I usually don't fish for compliments (I outright ask for them) but c'mon! IT'S MY WEDDING DAY!! PRETTY PRINCESS DRESS!! FLAWLESS HAIR AND MAKE-UP! I got nothing.

That's when I was done.

So she's busy with a wedding coordinator for nuptuals in Venice. Honeymoon in Egypt with a reception at the Camden Aquarium for those who could not make it to Italy. Meanwhile, she's been out of work for months and Gary is on a civil servant salary. He expressed to us, in confidence, remorse for only being able to afford one Christmas present for each of his children. Did that deter her?!

My husband could not understand her selfishness. I tried to elaborate that every woman has the idea of this grandiose day pounded into her head since the age of three, with Disney and whatnot. And I bet that if you asked twenty single women to describe her ultimate wedding- seventeen of them would elaborate on the event itself. Not marrying the perfect man. Her actions were not out of the norm for people of that mindset.

Okay, so last week Gary called my man three times in one night. By the fourth call, I told him to pick up the phone- obviously something's up. I knew what it was. They got into a fight over money, it started with her wanting a box of Dunkin' Donut. I shit you not, a box. Gary already vanquished his play money for the week. Things escalated, she packed a bag and split. It was over.

I reigned in my excitement knowing these things take a few bends before it breaks completely.

And like clockwork, Gary called last night. They patched things up and are going to counseling. And may postpone the wedding.

Uh, ya think?