My brother's current J.O. in nicknamed, "DogGirl," and not because she's ugly. *Note- this next bit is not for the squeamish.

She earned the moniker during a session with Jay. He was south of the border and her Rottweiler kept trying to nuzzle his way in... Tired of elbowing the thing out of the way, Jay said 'fuck it' and moved aside to let "Bacardi" do the dirty work. He thought DogGirl didn't notice until she asked, "You like animals, Jay?"

Oof, girl- you're givin' me the heebie-jeebies.

This is the same chick that slapped my brother when she saw him at a bar with his arm around another girl. But, ya know, she's fucking every meat sack on the block.

Anyway, I get home from work last week and my brother, his friend and DogGirl are drinking on the stoop. Apparently, she pulled my bottle of vodka out of the freezer. Here's the part that bothers me- she was drinking straight from the bottle. Disgusted, I flew to the kitchen (not putting any of my stuff down), grabbed a glass and headed back outside to give it to her. Fuck, I don't even want her using our toilet never mind putting her mouth all over shit. Ick!

After drinking in Seaside Saturday night, I hung out with my brother and his friend for a while. We're in his room when I hear a rustling of the bushes outside his window. It's DogGirl, trying to make her way through with a guy standing on the sidewalk. He's saying, "C'mon (her real name), I'm sorry, I was gonna call." What is it with you men?!And she's staggering to the door, stopping to berate the poor sap, kisses my brother and walks in. What is it with our stoop? He's left standing there like a sucker and now knows what Jay looks like and where he lives.

I find out from Jay's friend that this kid is her obsessed ex-boyfriend. And I'm thinking, "So help me god if this bitch causes my brother to have even one hair moved out of place, I'm gonna whoop some serious ass." I don't need some tart bringing that drama to my front door..... That job is taken.

Anyway, the next afternoon I open the freezer and my Mr. Penis Ice Mold™ is upside down in a cup, cube forming. This is a never-been-opened gag gift that's prominently displayed next to my Femme Fatale coasters and can of Long Drink.

My brother comes through the kitchen, "What's up with the ice mold," I ask. A big grin sneaks up on his face, "What do you think?" "Making cocktails?" I answer. Poor Jay- living under the constant scrutiny of his older sister. "It wasn't my idea," He volunteers. "What a shaack." Then he says, "There's been worse." Well, at that point I opt to back out of the conversation, dash cunning of him, because I already took a shower.