Don't Shit Where You Eat
So I'm sautéing up a little zucchini last night and go to grab the pepper mill from the top of the spice rack when I notice the Mr. Penis Ice Mold is out of place. As you might recall, it sits in the middle alongside the Long Drink and Femme Fatale coasters. Being the neurotic I am, it must go back in its place. But the box felt empty. I check the freezer- nothing.
Since NonGirlfriend wasn't five paces behind my brother, I got a chance to razz him about it as he walked through the kitchen.
Shaking the box, "Um, what's up with this?"
Jay should never play poker, "It's in there somewhere," he smiled and glanced off.
"Where? Her twat?" I'm so delicate.
"No, my room. It's buried somewhere." His room has been unusually messy lately.
"Look, Jay, you know I love you. Anything you need, I'll get. But sex toys is where I draw the line." He must have been mortified at this point.
"So who was that guy last night?" He fired back.
Oh no, mon petit frère, you're not gonna get over that easily. "A friend," I answer cavalierly.
"How'd you meet him?" What is this? Twenty Questions?
"You know she thinks she's your girlfriend, right?" HA! Two can play this game.
"Yeah, she tried to have that talk with me last night," he rolled his eyes.
"AND?!" Bring it on, baby bro!
"And I told her I was sleeping," he chuckled.
"What? How'd you pull that one off?"
"Well, I said I needed the next two hours to sleep before work so I didn't want to have that discussion right then."
She wanted to have the boyfriend/girlfriend talk at four in the morning? Jesus, lord. "You have to nip this in the bud, Jay, cause it's only gonna get worse."
"I know. And her roommate's so hot. She came home the other night when I was there, went into her room and changed into a t-shirt. Nothing else. And she starts to blow-dry her hair in front of me and her t-shirts lifting up, giving me a sneak peak. So when (NonGirlfriend) and I go to leave, I accidently turn off the light. The third roommate's boyfriend is sitting in the dark with her and jokes, 'You wanna join us, Jay?' and her face lit up and she's shaking her head yes." Unbeknownst to NonGF, natch.
Bad idea jeans. I tried to give him a word of warning as the aforementioned title would indicate. But, there's going to be a boiling rabbit on my stove soon, I know it.