Resting in the B2B Tootoo

Squid-who?? International Trade Lens

2008-08-04T05:20:00.003-04:00

A new "lens" has been set up at Squidoo, by a good friend of mine - John Michaels - who has forgotten more about B2B and China trade then I'll ever know.

The International Trade Squidoo lens is here, and I hope you'll be there too.

Peace and love to all e-commerce adventurers -x-

Olympic Sponsors

2008-08-03T21:40:00.004-04:00

With just four days to go, I found this smart little feature showcasing the top Olympic Sponsors for this years Games in Beijing.

Strange bedfellows, huh? I guess the Olympic Games really do bring peoples together from all walks of life!

How can a Tootoo help my business?

2008-08-01T04:59:00.004-04:00

So what does resting in the Tootoo mean? And what has it got to do with business, B2B, and all that jazz?

Well, Tootoo's name comes from the ancient Chinese name for the small natural bays found near the source of the great Yangtze River, often used by trading ships as places of rest. Okay, a tiny connection to trade - even international trade - but what has it got to do with B2B vertical search engines, like Tootoo.com? Here comes a list!

◇The waters of tootoos are pure, being at the source of the Yangtze, where melting snowcaps invigorate the surrounding land. Tootoo.com, like the water at the source of the Yangtze, is a symbol of vigor and also purity, filtering the dirt from the clean water as it begins it journey.

◇ The tootoo's of the Yangtze were places where the merchants of old began their journey, before travelling the many tributaries and waterways of the Yangtze basin. Tootoo.com is also a gateway to Chinese trade, and more, the networks of our community platform reach around the world.

◇Just as the tootoo's of the Yangtze contribute towards making China's longest river, Tootoo.com believes in contributing towards empowering global trade. From small acorns, might oaks grow – and one step at a time Tootoo.com strives to make your business, as a buyer or a seller, grow.

Journey from introspection to international trade

2008-07-30T21:52:00.003-04:00

So, yeah.... it's been a while! And what's happened to your Marietta in that time? Well, for one thing you can see I'm posting under a new name -- Ti'en Tze -- wha' the..!?

Well, Ti'en Tze means gift from Heaven, and I believe that my life in the past few years is a gift from Heaven too. This is the journey I want to share with you.

The journey ended with Tootoo.com, a little something that meets the business requirements you need. I will go more into what Tootoo can do for you in future posts. That B2B website is the destination, and for those enlightened enough in trade practices you can go straight there now without reading further.

For the rest, the majority, please follow me on a journey from introspective ramblings (see ALL previous posts) to international trade, forging links with suppliers and manufacturers - bridging national boundaries, and transcending the fundamental "otherness" that separates people. Yes, trade brings people closer together.

I know this, because I lived it. Please keep tuned.

They're making me miss my scene, man...

2006-04-10T13:51:00.000-04:00

...is what my sister said at the Medeski Martin and Wood show the other night. Which was the first time in a week that I wore a bra, and probably the one place that was optional.

Sidenote, my sister ran away with The Rainbow People at the age of eighteen.

Enjoying more than the acid jazz fusion combo, as the music built to a crescendo, my sister confidentially voiced, "If he can do that to a bass...," in a delicious Janis Muppet moment where everyone fell silent to hear her musings. I couldn't stop laughing for a good ten minutes, much to the chagrin of the guy infront of us.

An-t-way, I'm still looking for a yob. But since my man is off for the next two weeks, I'll be on hiatus.

The Bends

2006-03-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

My husband's best friend was the best man at our wedding. He and his live-in girlfriend became engaged. More accurately, she and her mother went ring shopping and I guess told Gary as an after thought.

I can't stand this bitch- she's all wrong for Gary. (Get comfortable, this may take a while). She always has a sour puss on her face coupled with the personality of a man hole cover; and will henceforth be referred to as MHC.

The first few times we hung out, she was quiet. I thought it was just because of meeting someone new. Gary had a "divorce party" (has ex wife and four kids), and it was mostly MHC's friends. Same thing- an expression like she perpetually smelled shit.

We send out wedding invitations, she has gastric bypass surgery. I'm not saying it's a coincidence - just giving you a timeline.

I give my husband the green light for his bachelor party. My exact words, "Don't pork anyone or get your dick sucked." So that bitch, somehow, muscled her way into the party. I found out the weekend before and put the kibosh on that right quick. Apparently, Gary had cheated on his ex wife and stupidly told MHC. Obviously, she didn't trust him. Now, if my man is allowed to have titties in his face- I don't want her there screwing it up. And you know if poor Gary even looked up from his drink, it'd start World War III. So I put my foot down- no vagina at the party unless they're of a professional nature.

So she plans a trip for them. One week in Mexico, returning the day of our wedding. According to Gary, they got off the flight, sped home to change, got right back in the car and drove to the ceramony. Arguing the entire ride up.

So, I hadn't seen her in a few months and she lost a good 50 pounds. During the reception at the first chance I had to speak with them, I said to her, "You look fantastic." And with the same goddamn look on her face she squeaked out, "Thanks." That was it. I mean- HELLO! I usually don't fish for compliments (I outright ask for them) but c'mon! IT'S MY WEDDING DAY!! PRETTY PRINCESS DRESS!! FLAWLESS HAIR AND MAKE-UP! I got nothing.

That's when I was done.

So she's busy with a wedding coordinator for nuptuals in Venice. Honeymoon in Egypt with a reception at the Camden Aquarium for those who could not make it to Italy. Meanwhile, she's been out of work for months and Gary is on a civil servant salary. He expressed to us, in confidence, remorse for only being able to afford one Christmas present for each of his children. Did that deter her?!

My husband could not understand her selfishness. I tried to elaborate that every woman has the idea of this grandiose day pounded into her head since the age of three, with Disney and whatnot. And I bet that if you asked twenty single women to describe her ultimate wedding- seventeen of them would elaborate on the event itself. Not marrying the perfect man. Her actions were not out of the norm for people of that mindset.

Okay, so last week Gary called my man three times in one night. By the fourth call, I told him to pick up the phone- obviously something's up. I knew what it was. They got into a fight over money, it started with her wanting a box of Dunkin' Donut. I shit you not, a box. Gary already vanquished his play money for the week. Things escalated, she packed a bag and split. It was over.

I reigned in my excitement knowing these things take a few bends before it breaks completely.

And like clockwork, Gary called last night. They patched things up and are going to counseling. And may postpone the wedding.

Uh, ya think?

Word

2006-03-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

From Savage Love:

Straight Rights Update: Earlier this month Republicans in South Dakota successfully banned abortion in that state. Last week the GOP-controlled state house of representatives in Missouri voted to ban state-funded family-planning clinics from dispensing birth control. "If you hand out contraception to single women," one Republican state rep told the Kansas City Star, "we're saying promiscuity is okay." On the federal level, Republicans are blocking the over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception and keeping a 100 percent effective HPV vaccine—a vaccine that will save the lives of thousands of women every year—from being made available. The GOP's message to straight Americans: If you have sex, we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible. No birth control, no emergency contraception, no abortion services, no life-saving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough shit. You're going to have those babies, ladies, and you're going to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And if you get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that's too bad. Have a nice funeral, slut. What's it going to take to get a straight-rights movement off the ground? The GOP in Kansas is seeking to criminalize hetero heavy petting, for God's sake! Wake up and smell the freaking Holy War, breeders! The religious right hates heterosexuality just as much as it hates homosexuality. Fight back!

Ted, Just Admit It

2006-03-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

Over at The Stranger, there's an interesting article about a man recently convicted of murder. He acted as his own attorney and this is part of his closing argument:

We all bleed the same blood. We all cry the same tears. We all urinate the same urine. We all poop the same poop."

Captivating.

Wait, it gets better- this is what he said of his accomplice-

"I said we'd have sophisticated times together. I wanted to eat her booty, suck her booty, suck her toes, eat her pussy—so I was real articulate."

Speaking of insane (SOUTH PARK SPOILERS AHEAD)

That had a parade infront of it, right? Except for the Darth Vader thing. My husband doesn't think it was a particularly funny episode, especially if you weren't caught up on the inside story. I had heard that L. Ron was caught with young boys, and was going to put it in a past post, but couldn't find anything on the web to back it up. Obviously Trey and Matt heard the same thing. The ending was great- how they will remember Chef for all the laughter and not about the fruity little club that scrambled his brain. Fabulous!

Skills To Pay The Bills

2006-03-22T11:52:00.000-05:00

Hey kids- sorry about the ads. But with my impending unemployment, I gotta rack up the bucks anyway I can get 'em. You understand, right? I'll be your best friend...

Three things...

2006-03-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

Go here to see the entire Scientology episode of South Park before the host is forced to yank it. Gotta love The Superficial!

Also, a picture of Josh Hartnet is posted. (more from that layout here) I never found him attractive until now.

Very Don Quixote meets Cabaret.

Time needs to speed up a bit. I'm surprising my husband with a trip to the circus on Saturday. Since he's never been, I anticipate a very nice 'thank you.' My phone will be shut off the rest of the weekend.

Best.Aunt.Ever.

2006-03-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

My ten year old nephew was up for the weekend. Since I missed his birthday party (Hubby took me to The Borgota that weekend. BTW- the bathroom was a religious experience), I took him shopping. He went home with a newly pierced ear, a Green Day t-shirt, InuYasha messenger bag, Gorillaz CD and bleached out hair. I rock.

I felt bad, though- the only place that pierced ears was Claire's. Those not familiar- it's Girlie Girl Heaven. Pink and sparkles as far as the eye can see. Our converstation went something like this:

"Which ear are you going to do?

"I don't know, I have to ask them which one means you're not gay."

"Ian, they're not going to know that. This is a girl's store; they're used to doing both ears."

And a look of panic washed over his face. Thank Goddess my man was close at hand. We had to leave the store and track him down to make sure my nephew wouldn't be ostracized Monday morning.

Since he was a little nervous, I went first and did the cartilage in my right ear. Wouldn't you know it- the damn gun jammed and the bitch had to push the thing the rest of the way through. "HOLY F&#%@!!!!" I screamed on the inside. Naturally, I didn't flinch. He really wanted that earring.

Then we all went bowling. With bumpers for my four year old niece. And I still couldn't break a hundred. Pathetic.

I called my brother to join us, because everyone loves Uncle Jay. He couldn't make it because- get this- he was looking for a new apartment, with his friend, sans DogGirl. WOO-HOO!!!! My ear didn't hurt so much after that bit of good news.

The Point of Ridonkulousness

2006-03-17T14:36:00.000-05:00

Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's South Park episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote Mission Impossible 3.

*Sigh* If anyone wants me, I'll be drowning my sorrows in a plate of corned beef and cabbage. Perhaps 2 or 13 green beers.

Give them my best in Paramus

2006-03-16T17:14:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of the family's just landed a gig as the manager of the Macy's Origins counter at a snooty mall. Well, she called me today, and the conversation went like this:

"Is tomorrow your last day?"

"Actually, they've asked me to stay on until the end of the month."

"Oh. Listen, you should come work for me part time. It totally won't interfere with your unemployment."

"OhMiGawd! That would be so much fun!!"

"I know, wouldn't it? And you get a 20% discount off everything."

Sweet.

I'm actually giving this some serious consideration. I mean, what the hell- right? I looked it up- you earn 20% more unemployment with a part-time stint while still looking for a real job type job.

And I get to put make-up on people. I've always wanted to put this to the test....

Ten points if you know which movie I stole the title from.

Salty Balls

2006-03-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've seen this one by now:

Isaac Hayes Quits 'South Park' Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion. "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

Bigotry? I guess saying the line, "Crazy little crackers," doesn't count.

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem — and he's cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians." Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Good for Matt and Trey. I saw a special on A&E last night about poligamists in Utah. And the men justified it as "Doing God's Will." (As a sidenote, one of the wives said, "It takes a stronger woman to obey her husband.")

Whatever the hell you want to do is none of my business, but stop hiding behind the mask of religion. I'd have more respect if they said, "The writers insulted my beliefs," or, "I just want to stick my dick in three different women." Ya know- just cut the bullshit already.

Speaking of hideous*:

Weeping Jesus on the Cross! He makes Diamond Dave look like Brad Pitt.

*Sorry, SJ- I had to bite

Have you killed today? Have you tried to kill today?

2006-03-09T17:50:00.000-05:00

I totally spaced about posting this:

Jennifer Garner slips on her way to the podium at the Oscars. You know that was JLo throwing some Santeria shit her way. Obviously because she managed to close the deal with Ben while JLo is stuck next to Skeletor.

Oh yeah, and I can't look at Russell Crow anymore and not think about that South Park bit, "Oi! Don't interrupt my speech, you vagoina!"

Okay, one more addition- How the F did a bunch of flightless birds trump this movie?! -Which should be mandatory viewing for the entire country.

Awwwww, yeah!

2006-03-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

My manager just informed me that they found a replacement....and that my last day here is the 17th. I don't have a new job yet, however- my current employer is not going to dispute unemployment. Exxxcellent. Now I can relax for a few weeks and take my time seeking new employment; perhaps finish my screenplay.

The system works.

On second thought, damn! I should have done this in June. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Boo-f'ing-Hoo.

2006-02-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Welp, I'm in the process of finding a new job. Since I'm not supposed to speak negatively about my employer in interviews, here goes:

Firstly, I live 35 miles from work, but it somehow takes me one to one and a half hours to travel (each way). Combine that with gas and tolls, my situation has narrowly improved over working in NYC. Asked the bossman to change my hours (8:30-4:30, the earliest shift) so as to miss the bulk of the traffic. No go.

-BUT, they hired a new girl, and guess what hours she has?

Plus, it's a struggle to take a day off in a small company (6 total employees). I bought Yankee tickets for my hubby's B'Day. Asked 3 months in advance and was shot down because the receptionist has the day off. Are you kidding me with that shit?! What I do here has absolutely nothing to do with the phones, so WTF?!

-BUT, another employee works 9 hour days so he can take every other Wednesday off.

I went to my manager, explained my position and stated I will be looking for other employment. That was last Friday, and they haven't canned me- so we'll see who wins this race. But since then, she's been asking me to do all the shit jobs so the receptionist can catch up on invoicing. No one else has been asked to chip in, just me.

Yes, I know it could be worse. My boss could be threatening to take away my Saturday night shift at Denny's if I don't bang his toothless cousin while he watches.

But I can't wait to quit this place.

Farewell Bob Loblaw, We Hardly Knew Ye...

2006-02-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

...is the slugger for this post over at Pajiba. It's amusing to read comments lamenting Arrested Development and vexing about the Olympics in the same sentence.

Of course, I watched the AR finale. Despite the fact that I LOVE the Olympics. But Opening Ceramony v. Ending of Funniest Sitcom on TV is no contest.

I must agree with Mr. Freilich that the episodes were geared toward the regular viewers. But you know what? Fuck everyone else! A bunch of Johnny-come-latelies don't deserve the inside track.

And as far as Bryant Gumble is concerned- how does the saying go- Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one. He just happens to have a platform for his asshole.

But, whatev. I let my husband know that for the next two weeks, the only thing on our TV will be the winter games. So he, like the rest of the viewing public, has a choice. Either sit on the couch and watch, or not. That's all. It's junk food for the brain. To try to make more of it -is ridonkulous.

Happy Valentines, everyone!

2006-02-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

The Ironing is Delicious

2006-02-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

Over at The Superficial, they are reporting that Paris Hilton is on the short list to play, get this, Mother Teresa. The Indian director, having just come down with the last drop of rain, was impressed that she wouldn't pose naked in Playboy.

While, over at IDontLikeYouInThatWay, they've dug up some dirt that she is threatening to renege on her $235,000 reporting gig because her dressing room will not contain a jacuzzi.

Just like Mother Teresa at the 1993 Kennedy Center Awards. She was so drunk on the red carpet- she kept saying, "Hi-OH!" after every question Johnny Carson answered. And he slapped the microphone out of her hand and stormed off. Remember that shit?

And the award for best Soul, Spoken Word or Barbershop Quartet album goes to....

2006-02-09T10:11:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I watched last night. Only because a dear friend of mine plays guitar for John Legend. Admittedly, I got a little misty. You couldn't see him (until the very end, I think) but that guitar sounded smooth as silk, baby!

So, is Madonna a cyborg or what? No one nearing fifty can look that good. Except maybe Tina Turner. Whom I'm not entirely convinced isn't a cyborg either.

I tuned in a little while longer for the Mary J./Bono duet. Sufficed to say it didn't dissapoint- their respecive voices still sound amazing. And so did Stevie Wonder! "Don't you get any spit in my harmonica, girl." Cheeky....

But when Kanye West won, I said click. If all award shows are self-congratulatory exercises in masturbation, the Grammys are a double-ended kong dong with a side of pump-gallon Astroglide.

Northern Transplant

2006-02-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

Just added another blog to my links- check out A Whole Plate Of Crazy. This is a high school friend who recently left Manhattan for more genteel pastures...or so she thought.

The Return of DogGirl

2006-02-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

So, DogGirl* rings me up on Monday. I was home sick (cough) and didn't answer. Her message was really sweet, inviting me and my husband to dinner tomorrow night.

Went to call her back, she left her office number, so I called my brother asking the details. Figure I should at least attempt to make nice, right?

Brother calls me back today, "You don't want to go to that dinner?"

"Why not?"

"It's to rope in potential clients," She recently accepted a position (ahem) at Morgan Stanley, "I told her that you wouldn't want to invest."

"Wait a minute? She's an investment broker?!"

"Yeah, and when I told her no, and she was like, why not? I was like, she just saw you drinking vodka from the bottle on her stoop not a year ago. I don't think she'll trust you with her money."

Good point, brother, good point. Not only that- How savvy of a broker can she be if she doesn't even have the perspicacity to know what I'll do to her if she fucks up my paper?!

*Those not familliar with DogGirl- she was my brother's fiance. Now they're just living together and not seeing anyone else... Yeah, I know.

Lights are on but no one's Delhomme

2006-01-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

How exciting is it that Seattle's going to Superbowl Extra Large? I bet downtown was nuts! N-V-T-S, nuts!

We're having another party, natch. I did the wise thing and took that Monday off. Last year, my husband and I called out sick and wound up tapping the keg (subsequently calling out the following day as well).

An-t-way, everyone who came last year is invited! ...Except for Kelly. She knows what she did*. And our neighbors Bill and Cassy. How hard is it to walk across the breezeway into your own apartment to argue? And Giovanni Ribisi. For the last time, I'M MARRIED! Get over it.

I caught a quick glimpse of this guy one the sidelines and swore to my husband that's what our son will look like. Now, not so much. I was drinking- what can I say. And I love this guy's name: Loaf a Tartufo.

*Very Paris Hilton of me, I know.

OMG!

2006-01-20T13:21:00.000-05:00

Eminem married a tranny!

Just let me say this about that...

2006-01-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

I love the Golden Globes. It's the first one my husband ever watched. I assured him he'd like it since alcohol was involved.

Steve Correll's acceptance speech almost made up for Jason Lee getting the shaft...

Speaking of which, why the fuck wasn't Rescue Me nominated? Just like Chris Rock, I guess Denis Leary pisses too many people off.

Would it kill Dakota Johnson to smile? I'm sure it's rough having Melanie Griffith for a mom, but c'mon! She's old enough to know how to fake it.

And I supposed Gwyneth Paltrow was going straight to her Christening after the ceramony?

Did you not want to eat up Natalie Portman with a spoon? That cute little pixie! And I was diggin Adrian Brody's strut tuxedo.

Two things that bugged the shit out of me: First, Scarlet Johanson going, "Woo!" after her name was called. And Mariah Carry drawing out her words to sound like Marilyn Monroe with a slow leak, "The nahhhhhhhhminees for best hhhhhhactor are...." Gag me.

But no award ceramony is complete without a masturbatory reference from George Clooney.

And when the hell is Johnny Depp going to get his due?!?!?!?!?!? I'm just sayin' is all...

*Late Addition:

Seeing Kyra Sedgwick last night made me think, "How many degrees of seperation am I from Kevin Bacon?" As it turns out, four:
I was in Ragtime with Mandy Patinkin:
Mandy Patinkin was in The Princess Bride with Robin Wright Penn:
Robin Wright Penn was in She's So Lovely with Sean Penn:
Sean Penn was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.
Exxxxcellent.

Slow Work Day

2006-01-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

SJ over at Give Me The Booger wrote this post that mentions being a stay at home mom.

My husband and I are on the two year plan to have a kid -banking half my paycheck every time. Living in New Jersey, it's a luxury to stay with the kids on our salaries. And I'll be damned if we both have to work full time -plus a part time job- to pay for day care. It would crush me to have some 20 year old tell me my kid said their first word today.

And you know who I blame? Gloria Steinem. That's right. I said it. Gloria Fucking Steinem.

Here's how I see it- more women in the workplace tipped the scales in favor of job demand. Less workers:greater need for employees:higher wages:single income families. The pendulum has swung the other way and my generation HAS to work. Good going. Now we don't have a choice either.

And I probably opened a huge can of worms here, but fuck it! I'm pissed off that I have to suffer because thirty five years ago, some crusty bitches were tired of cooking pot roast every night.

Drunk Dialing**

2006-01-16T13:33:00.000-05:00

Dangerous diversion, indeed. So allow me to publicly apologize to my many friends across the country. Last weekend, my husband and I consumed two bottles of wine, lord knows how many beers and then quite a few rum and cokes... He passed out- and since I couldn't have a BGP of one, running my mouth seemed like the next best thing.

At least I'm smart enough (now) to erase any ex's numbers immediately upon dissolution of the relationship for exactly this reason.

I vaguely recall leaving a few slurred messages for friends that did not pick up. Ugh, to be witty on the fly whilst hammered.... the messages invariably start off something like this, "Hello. This is Mrs. Johnson from The Dildo Emporium. I'm afraid our delivery truck is not large enough for your order...."

Although I did horn in on a girl's night out at Radpants' house and was passed around like a Freshman at a frat party. Come to find out a friend is getting married in July. She was very, "I guess I want to spend the rest of my life with him- so if this is what I have to do...feh." Is it so crazy to believe her cavalier attitude is a direct result of an extra special drunken evening we spent together? Ah, memories...

Wait, what was I talking about again? .......Something to do with my sister's boyfriend calling me The Worst Lesbian.

**There should a Breathalyzer device on all phones that does not allow you to dial out once a certain point of intoxication has been met.

Should Old Acquaintances Be Forgot

2006-01-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

Did everyone's New Year's celebration include running three times around a suitcase in the middle of the road, tending to wounds after an extremely inebriated friend busted his ass, and obstructing justice by hiding some kid from the cops?

Or was it just me?

Twat did you say?

2005-12-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

Whew! End of the year is b-a-n-a-n-a-s, no? But I simply cannot wait for Xmas- I LOVE giving presents! Caved in to the Apple brainwashing and picked up a Nano w/ portable speaker system for my hunny. He's gonna flip.

An-t-way, here's the thought I tried to get out last week:

Listening to the local classic rock station on the way home- DJ announces birthdays- Don King. Proceeds to tell the story of meeting him shortly after 9/11. DJ's in the lobby of a hotel, waiting to interview Enrique Iglesias when Mr. King walks in, holding two flags, smokin a big stogie and announces, "God bless America! It's a good day to be alive!"

Says hello to the DJ- he loves The Beatles, invites him for a drink at the bar. Then invites him to dinner. DJ explains Enrique situation, DK says to bring him along and they'll have a good old time.

At the end of the story, the DJ explains, "It was totally surreal. And at the end of the night, I checked to see if I still had my watch." -cut to commercial.

UM, WHAT?

Which reminded me-

A Dirty Shame had it's moments. But I felt as if John Waters underlined the statment he's made so well in the past. I'm sure he picked Knoxville because in an interview, he called the Jackass crew "sexual terrorists." In a good way, natch. For those who did not see the movie- people against sexual expression were called "neuters." And it took place in Maryland.

My best friend from high school, Marybeth, was a virgin for the longest. Once, she didn't let a guy go down on her because she was "wearing stupid underwear." At least that was the excuse she gave me. She finally gave it up to a mutual friend's roommate.

"It was like trying to fit the Goodyear Blimp through that window." However egomaniacal the description, as a six foot five Greek man, I'm sure it wasn't far from the truth.

Her parents did a number on her. I remember her mother's advice (no doubt for my benefit) saying masturbation paved the road to hell. At the moment, I can't remember the context- probably traumaticly blocked out. She also said that if you let glasses air dry in the dish drain, you'll get rickets.

Marybeth slept with my boyfriend and that was the end of our friendship. He took her to get a perm one Saturday....yes, a perm... we didn't have a car. An amazing snow storm hit and everything shut down around 3pm. Around nine o'clock, she comes strolling in- her hair looking like Rosanne Rosanna Danna. Before she could set foot in the door, I was there, "Did you fuck him?"

Taken-a-back by the question, she immediately denied it.

I reiterated, "Tell me now and we can still be friends," which was the truth. But she stuck to the bullshit story about the car breaking down.

A few months later, my cousin and I stopped by Maryland to visit her, since she lived with her parents at the time (cousin and I moved to Florida for very three months). She sobbingly confessed to schtupping my man. So I was done with her. I don't take kindly to people making me look like a jerk.

But beforehand, we had dinner.

Her parents ordered a couple of buckets of chicken, all the fixins. Out of nowhere, the father asked the brother, "Know why a stack of white bread comes with it?" Probably for my benefit, again.

He continued, "Because that's what the niggers eat with their meals."

UM, WHAT?

Wozzle Wuzzle? That's what passes for entertainment these days?

2005-12-09T15:43:00.000-05:00

I have a real story all though out, but I'm feeling lazy today. Probably from all the snow I've been shoveling this week...

So this is all you get:

Has anyone else seen these Amp'd Mobile commercials? I generally press the mute button... except for last night. Again- lazy.

Incase you don't know- the commercial starts with a "rock-star" looking guy apparently OD'ing in a hotel room. One maid yells at him in Spanish while the other just stands there. They cut to black and you hear a "patooey!" Apparently she spat on him because he's stupid enough to die before this phone comes out.

The other commercial has a little more airplay- a scantily clad hooker violently resuscitating a senator john hanging off the side of a double bed in a cheap hotel room. Again, begging him not to die before he can buy the phone.

Now, I realize growing up American has desensitized me somewhat to television violence, but come on! There's a line. Understandably, they are supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. But to successfully pull that off, it should be funny, no?

There's nothing remotely amusing about opening a commercial with a skinny shirtless pasty man convulsing on the floor.

Am I wrong?

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

2005-12-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

Quite a few years ago, and a whole other coast, my friends and I made frequent trips to the northern Tijuana (minus the donkey shows), better known as Vancouver. With an awesome exchange rate, the shopping was to die for! Cheap booze, over the counter codeine and all the designer accoutrement your, ahem, trunk could hold.

And suddenly, there was Lush. The only one in North America at the time. I became a junkie for their Potion Lotion (since discontinued) and Lush Pud bomb. The one redeeming quality about my apartment was the ceramic claw tub (Lord knows it wasn't the 3 foot by 5 foot kitchen. Seriously. The fridge was in the livingroom). Bath time became sacrosanct.

Now they're sprouting up all over the place, including NYC. And my husband's stocking is filled with lots of wonderful things For Him. My strategy is to get him hooked, so paying $30 for a bottle of shampoo won't seem unreasonable.

He's already addicted to Philosophy's Cinnamon Buns. At a full foot taller, he's constantly sniffing my hair. So ladies, if you don't know nothin' bout no cinnamon buns, DROP EVERYTHING and go buy this product. You'll smell extra delicious and utterly irresistible. Double Dutch Buck Split promise.

Off the Gancho

2005-12-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

Poor, poor Mexico. First western Texas, now this:

 (Mexican Foreign Secretary) Derbez 
      insisted his country's position over 
      physical barriers was not only in 
      relation to the United States. 

      "Mexico voted against the fence 
      Israel built in the Gaza Strip, 
      and against the fences Spain 
      built in Melilla and elsewhere," 
      he said.

Yeah, we did the same thing in high school as sophomores; signing petitions against banning the junior/senior smoking section, so when our number was up we could site precedence too. And just like Mexico, we weren't fooling anyone. And we always got caught sneaking a butt between classes; no matter quickly you try to hand the cigarette to that stupid Freshman, Damien LaNagro, who thought he was soooo cool because he could do that dumb open/light a zippo on the side of his jeans.

Speaking of unfortunate souls, check out Bitter Waitress' Shitty Tipper Database. Which ranges from the not-so-shocking Lauren Hill and Jennifer Lopez to a disheartening Guy Ritchie and Willem Dafoe. Really, Willem, HOOTERS? Bobby Peru wouldn't be caught dead in that place. Although, according to the waitress, she gave "god service," so maybe the compensation was appropriate...

You can also search the database and make fun of people when their name comes up (I'm looking in your direction, Jim)..after you've made sure your own name isn't listed, naturally.

Sweet

2005-12-01T12:34:00.000-05:00

Newsweek linked my blog because I included one of their articles in a recent post. Exxxxcellent.

Garden Statement

2005-11-30T12:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching The Daily Show last night and there's a piece on the recent New Jersey slogan contest. They do a pretty funny Sopranos parody, interview the acting Governor and, naturally, someone for the counter-point. Much to my surprise, that person just so happened to be MY COUSIN- Deana Mattola! I think the correspondent called her a cutie...

Around here, they run the previous night's show at prime time...so if your cable network programs the same way, check it out tonight.

And no, Mr. Johnson, not the entire state looks like that, I SWEAR!

*Sidenote to the story, Deana and I were friends in highschool and discovered one day that we are cousins (the conversation started, "I was born in Hoboken," "Oh yeah? Me too!"). Her grandmother and my grandfather were first cousins. Does that make us first cousins, twice removed? Or third cousins? I could never figure that shit out...

News Flash!

2005-11-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

My brother is no longer engaged to DogGirl. Although, they are in Italy together....and finishing out the lease they just signed... and not seeing other people...

But she stopped wearing the ring! That's a promising sign, right?

Have I mentioned she got so drunk at my wedding that she passed out before the main course?

I am so seriously

2005-11-29T13:49:00.000-05:00

My husband and I took my sister, her two children and her fiance's daughter (from another relationship), Ciara, roller skating this past weekend. My sister and I wobbled around the floor for the "adults only" segment so we could talk.

"Make sure she eats," Ciara's grandmother (who has custody) warned my sister, "She's been throwing her food on the floor."

Ciara, age nine, is babied by her grandmother and aunts because they feel bad about her situation. Ciara's mother is a crackwhore in Miami- no shit. I figured it had something to do with frequent temper tantrums.

"No," my sister responded, "Her mother came up," for her own birthday mind you, "and after not seeing Ciara for two years, the first thing outta her mouth was 'God, you got FAT!'"

Yeah, that's what happens when you actually feed a child -you strung out nob gobbler! And believe you me, the kid is nowhere close to fat. She has some pre-adolescent chunk on her, but nothing teenage hormones won't eventually take care of. But again, the first seven years of the kid's life, she survived on Top Ramen and Wheat Puff cereal while her mother spent child support money on dope. Ciara's metabolism is all outta whack.

People never cease to amaze me.

In my father's retirement community, there is a recreation center with eight pool tables. After Thanksgiving dinner, we headed down there for a few games. Only our family was there, right, and this resident, Richie, comes in with his autistic thirty-seven year old son to watch. My father rolls his eyes. They sit for a few minutes, not saying anything, then leave.

"I hate that guy," my father disclosed the second Richie walked out the door. This struck me as odd since the last time we were there, Richie showed up and my father merely noted he was a jerk and left it at that. Now he elaborated, "I was here with three other guys and Richie played pool with one of his friends. The six of us are the only ones here. Richie decides to step out for a cigarette and says to his friend, fairly loudly, 'Louie, keep an eye on my stuff.' So I step up, 'What exactly do you mean by that?!' And he stutters, doesn't really answer and leaves. Next week, we're all in there again and he has to leave for his AA meeting. He says, 'I'm going to pray for everyone here, except him,' and points to me! So I say, 'Yeah? Fuck you, asshole!'

This guy must be out of his mind. My father works out three hours a day, every day and has numerous trophies for senior body building competitions. And obviously a hot-headed Italian (apple doesn't fall too far from the tree). He can kick the shit out of men half his age, nevermind that geriatric alcoholic prick.

I know what you're thinking, "Did she fire six shots or only five?"

2005-11-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

You always remember your firsts. Joe Catalano my freshman year. A corn dog at age eight (raised vegetarian until 12). Kool and The Gang at Six Flags Stadium. Escorted into the Ale -n- Wich pub at nineteen.

And yesterday will prove no exception. The in-laws hunt. At my second Thanksgiving table, new family members whispered, then turn to me, "Amber wants to give her new aunt a thrill. You ever shot a gun before?" Naturally, I answered truthfully and it was on! All of them were packin', too...

My brother-in-law and his daughter set up a target and pulled two rifles outta the car- a .44 and 270 with a scope. With the appoximate size of 300 yards away, I hit the buffalo with 50% accuracy (six rounds) and once in the "kill zone." But once is good enough, no? So now I'm like- I shot a rifle, my shoulder is sore a little, the power is a little scary, whatev.

I turn around, and there's my father-in-law standing with his .44 Magnum Revolver, "You wanna try this?"

HELL YEAH, I DO!

I'll be damned if that shit didn't make me want to run out and join the fucking NRA yesterday. My estrogen took a back seat right quick.

Now, I'm in this weird funk. It's all I can think about. SO scary and SO exciting. To become a more proficient marksman- you need to own one. The dilemma: I told my husband no guns in the house (before yesterday, obviously).

However, like a young Mike Tyson, dripping in gold, walking down the streets of Brooklyn at 2am, I'd leave the doors unlocked- daring someone to step inside....

Maaaaamories...

2005-11-23T14:52:00.000-05:00

"Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" is on the radio right now. It's one of the many songs that is RUINED for me. Why, you ask? Because someone put it in a movie at one time, and all I can think about is that damn movie! This in particular, Alexis Arquette in The Wedding Singer. I also can't listen to "Tiny Dancer" without thinking about Kate Hudson's bare breasts...

But that's not what I wanted to write about. I am PSYCHED for King Kong! Love that Peter Jackson guy- he directed a movie with one of my favorite quotes, "I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!" (no, not that Rings trilogy).

Anyway, I want to take my father to see it because he saw the original. Let me repeat that: He saw the original, when it came out, in the theater. My dad is fuckin old. (But looks awesome- works out three hours a day) He said it scared the shit out of him and he couldn't sleep for a week. Growing up a stone's throw from Manhattan, that's a viable fear for a child. Looking back, the effects are laughable (so is the '76 one, for that matter) but that was cutting edge stuff...

I guess you tend to overlook that sort of thing for nostalgic reasons. That's why I'll always have a soft spot for Clash of the Titans.

Kvetch Time

2005-11-17T17:30:00.000-05:00

Uh, what the fuck is up with the spam in my comments?! You losers have nothing better to do than post crap on people's blogs?! How fucking pathetic is that?! Yeah, I understand everyone has to crank out a living somehow, but sell it somewhere else. My readers carry less that $15 in cash.

Speaking of livelihoods, I'm officially disenchanted with my current job. I have done a total of 0 hours work today. My ass is killing me. Their reason for hiring me, the manager was putting in weekend hours, they were so overloaded with work.

Here I am, and suddenly all is quiet on the Eastern front... And being I believe in a day's work for a day's pay, I'm constantly asking co-workers, "Can I help you with something? Anyone need any help?" "No, no," are the inevitable replies (followed by comments hours later, "I'm totally swamped!"). Whatev.

This is a cut-throat comapany- all about the numbers. You have to make a weekly dollar quota- $3000 worth of business per individual. So you know no one's giving up the orders!

It's Thursday, and my spreadsheet has a total of zero dollars and zero cents. So today, I've developed a new philosophy: I'm going to stop looking like a jerk and work on my latest feature-length movie. It involves a bit of research and since I have nothing but time on my hands and the world-wide web at my disposal; why the hell not, m'kay? One of two things will happen, either I'll get laid off or they'll start giving me some work. Either way, I'll get a screenplay out of the deal, and be paid to write it in the interim.

A Man After My Own Heart

2005-11-16T11:40:00.000-05:00

Check out this article. Pajiba does these great little reviews. This one happens to be about Arrested Development (evens mentions how we evolved from monkeys!) and how The Fox Network is run by a bunch of fat-heads who are apparently letting this show fall by the wayside.

It reminds me of that scene in Natural Born Killers, when Robert Downey Jr.'s character is in the control room with his editor, "Repition works, David. Repition works, David. You think those nit-wits out there in zombie land remember anything? It's junkfood for the brain."

Thanks, Middle America, for not knowing a good show if it kicked you in the keister. Although I shouldn't be surprised- you voted for Bush.

Epay

2005-11-03T11:05:00.000-05:00

My husband watches a lot of football (I pretend to be interested). And he's head over heels about the new couch coinciding with the beginning of the season. His favorite team- Dallas Cowboys. Like most American Boys- his love for the team started with the cheerleaders, and just carried over into adulthood. Naturally, his all-time favorite player is Emmitt Smith. Apparently, he holds some sort of rushing record or something(again, pretending to be interested).

So I figure for our first real Christmas together (last year was spent packing to move), an ideal present would be a Cowboys Jersey #22...(men reading this are already snickering).

Cavalierly the search began, growing increasingly desperate by the day -not so easy to come by. And then I remembered an old standby- EBAY!!! Everthing's on Ebay!

In a week's time, I've been outbid five times (and not cheaply, either, I may add)!! Christ in a Codpiece! You'd think I was bidding on Jake Gyllenhaal's used panties!

With Mercury beginning it's retrograde, the time to act is now.

Yes, I'm into astrology big time. Which Monkey Woman at my job sternly warned our 18 year-old part-timer to, "Stay away from that realm." Interpreting the galaxy's movement is the work of the devil, I tells ya!

An-t-way, I bit the bullet and did a "pay now" for a solid hunny. And I didn't even blink. He'll wear it out.....just like I hope he does me after opening it :D

TV raised me, and I turned out TV...

2005-10-26T13:15:00.000-04:00

After a HUGE ordeal, too mundane to go into (let's just say I don't love it at Levitz anymore), I'm finally receiving my new couch on Friday (Goddess willing)= dual recliner! It's so delicious, I can barely stand it! Why haven't I had one of these all along?

So all winter, my husband and I will have our asses parked on that sucker. Which works out very well, since there's been some pleasant surprises on the boob-tube lately. The Showbiz Show, My Name is Earl and the second season of The Office among them... And I really wish Everyone Hates Chris was better because I'll support Chris Rock in whatever he does.

Naturally, there are my old standby's: Arrested Development (stupid world series!), The Soup, Best Week Ever, Forensic Files (although sometimes I'm scared to walk through our dark apartment), The Daily Show and South Park.

The Colbert Report has good writing, but is that guy always on? He reminds me of this guy I knew, played Moonface Martin in our high school production of Anything Goes and has a stand-up career. It's like, you're funny and all but can't you be real for one minute? People like that have intimacy issues.

And my guilty pleasure: I Love the 80's 3D. It's funny (funny strange, not funny ha-ha) back then, I couldn't wait to grow up and out of that awkward teen-age phase; but now everything 80's is wonderful - especially the music. And I'm talking about those songs I heard over and over that I vowed that if I never heard them again, it wouldn't be soon enough. Why is that?

Quell Surprise

2005-10-21T13:11:00.000-04:00

Just incase you were wondering, I totally turned into a Bridezilla the day of my wedding (up until arriving at the place).

I just can't stay cool under pressure. First of all, I'm WAY too emotional and secondly, I'm a perfectionist.

Opposite from the public defenders in "Murder on a Sunday Morning."

I can go on and on about how poignant and moving this film is- and I have the emails to prove it. Just see it. NOW!

It's okay to eat fish; they don't have any feelings

2005-10-19T14:47:00.000-04:00

Three weeks at the new job and I'm already causing trouble..... One of the drawbacks to working in Ginny Central is everyone and their mother are Catholic. Not that I have a problem with that- you do you, ma- until a co-worker stands up and says, "Psychiatry is a bunch of bullshit. If you need answers, the lord has them."

Now, if you come to me with reports or medical journals discrediting psychaitry as a science, I may be inclined to listen.

Another co-worker, obviously in the midst of couch sessions herself, tried to argue that maybe God put those doctors here to help us. She wasn't having any of it.

So, just to be a pain in the ass, I asked, "Jill, you think we come from monkeys?" She scoffed at the prospect, "If we evolved from monkeys, there'd be no more monkeys." An argument I've heard before, but never provided with an opportunity to retort.

"There are different species of animals. Isn't it possible we evolved from different ones existing now?"

"No. There would just be no more monkeys." Nice come back.

So I ask, "Then what about fish and lizards?"

Right over her head, "What about fish and lizards?"

"Fish evolved into lizards and there are still fish."

Pause.

"WE DID NOT COME FROM MONKEYS!"

So now my cell ringer is a chimp. Although, Jill laughs whenever it goes off. So I guess no hard feelings? Or she thinks I'm going to hell and that's funny.

Mr. & Mrs. Sweetcheeks

2005-09-27T12:49:00.000-04:00

Wow! The ceremony was fantastic; although, not unlike any woman doing this for the first time, I cried a lot. Goddess bless whomever invented waterproof mascara. My friends and family gathered around me, I couldn't have felt more love...
I was nervous, thrilled, exhausted and elated all at the same time. But the best part, at the end of it all, was I became married to the most amazing man. -Who looked absolutely delicious in his Rat-Pack, white jacket and black pants tuxedo.

And the reception sped by in a blink. Every photo of my new husband while eating at our sweetheart table had an empty chair next to him, the poor darling. I simply could not sit still. It was all too, too marvelous. Especially since a choice few friends flew 3000 miles just for the occasion. How lucky am I?!

Honeymooning in Virginia Beach, I highly recommend. With an ocean-front view, our room swelled with sounds of crashing waves. The jacuzzi and three bottles of champagne got us off to a great start.

And now I'm back to the work-a-day world...Although I did get a new job in Jersey. Needless to say, I'm much more relaxed. And one step closer to being a suburban housewife and mother. Which, after all this time (and varied experiences) is what really matters: To have a family of my own is paramount on my list of goals and accomplishments. Although, we probably won't start until 2007, so we can create a nice little nest egg.

Life is sweet.

Oy!

2005-08-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

I had my first wedding nightmare. The entire thing took place at my grandmother's house. Furiously cooking the food, present family ignored my cries for help. Tony Sopprano was there, who turned into my Uncle Bart at some point (and if you knew my uncle, it's not a far stretch). I look at the clock- it's 6pm (the time my wedding starts) and yelled to my sister (the maid of honor) that we need to get a move-on. She's asking how we're getting all these people to the place and I'm more concerned with taking a shower, doing my hair and make-up.

Suddenly, I'm at a Denny's in Monmouth County. Still in shorts and a t-shirt, FREAKING OUT about how I'm going to get to the place. Some chick in a wheel chair tells me to hop on and we proceed to roll down the highway, I on her lap. We get to a hill, and she decided to take the opportunity to try to climb/walk up. Frustrated by the delay, I grab a bicycle and pedal along. It's 6:20 and I'm frantically calling my man, who (of course) never picks up; something about him not forgetting the rings.

Suddenly, I'm back at my grandmother's, it's the day after and I have to walk the puppy my sister gave us as a wedding present ( I look down, and the carpet was a mess - but then realize it's wine stains). And at first, the poor thing couldn't get up and breathing erratically from dehydration.

That's when I awoke to a wildly beating heart.

Other than that, everything's swell.

How Quickly They Forget

2005-08-01T15:50:00.000-04:00

Upon my arrival to Port Authority this morning, NYC's finest were promptly evacuating the building. Everyone.

We're led to the nearest exit, Southeast side of the building which consists of two down escalator, no stairs.

The lady behind me sighs and says, loud enough for everyone to hear, "God forbid this is a terrorist attack, nobody's moving!"

Which wasn't true, we were all walking down -but apparently not fast enough for her.

I turn around and say in a soft tone, "Panicking doesn't help."

This ruffles her feathers even more, "NO! NO ONE'S TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!"

So I say, "Hey, I survived 9-11."

And with the most hateful scowl on her face, she hisses, "Well good for you!"

The guy in front of me turns around before I could say anything (quite frankly, I was in shock from her remark), "Shut-the-fuck-up, lady!"

We get to the bottom, I step to the side and lead out my arm, "G'head, ya nasty fuckin' bitch." And she SPRINTS to the door.

I can only fantasize a cab plowed into her as she ran to safety.

Folding Faster Than Superman on Laundry Day

2005-07-20T17:59:00.000-04:00

Among my uncanny talents (*like picking the absolute wrong line at the grocery store) lies the abilty to manifest the exact opposite of a proclamation the day before. Such as, "Ben Affleck is NEVER going to marry Jennifer Garner."

One of my cubical buddies is all stressed out because she's closing on her house next week. But sighed at the thought of the quickly approaching light at the end of the tunnel. Then said, "You know who's gonna be like this at the end of August? Marietta."

And I was all, "NAAH! So far everything's running smooth as silk. I'm cool."

Enter curveball. Today during lunch with my cousin, she said that another cousin asked her if a certain uncle of ours was invited to the wedding. He, to date, is not.

Let me 'splain. My father has nine brothers and sisters. I have FIFTY first cousins. This could easily be a two hundred guest wedding if I had the scratch. But I don't, so you have to pick and choose.

Now I'm all stressed. The entire family is talking about this and a lot of people are obviously left out.

So, I'm doing what anyone else in my position would do: Cave in. With some guests already responding in the negative, there's room for a few more. What can I say? I'm weak. Just like my damn Roman Catholic Grandparents with their lack of birth control.

*At the Stop&Shop last week: one man ahead of me: Six items, asks for two packs of smokes. Hands cashier a coupon $5 off $20 grocery purchase. Cashier explains that cigarettes do not count towards total bill. He asks, "Since when aren't cigarettes part of the deal?!" And argued his point for the next 15 minutes. Hello! When have they EVER been considered food?! The government agency isn't called Division of Alcohol, Tobacco, Fire Arms and Grocery!

Are You There, God? It's Me, Marietta.

2005-07-19T17:49:00.000-04:00

I know you've been there for me more times than I can count: Like when you pushed Little Johny From Upstairs' cat in front of a car so I didn't have to show him my cha-cha. And the time you let me pass off "Immigrant Song" as a sonnet in 12th grade English because I came to class unprepared. Most of all, that BGP in celebration of your son's birthday....

But please, let September get here with the quickness so I can become a housewife. This city wears me down.

It's Official!

2005-07-13T14:43:00.000-04:00

I'm having a reception! Three people have RSVP'd. And they're all getting the fish. Which is making me very nervous ever since I watched Airplane! the other night.

In a Row?

2005-07-11T14:53:00.000-04:00

The wedding train is truckin' at full speed, now! Mailed out the invitations last week, so there's no backing down. Unless, of course, I'm kidnapped by a couple of Hispanic guys.

Number of invitations sent: 37
Number of guests invited: 69

I swear to Gaad that wasn't planned.

Last Hurrah

2005-06-17T17:39:00.000-04:00

Upon revealing the impending nuptuals to my darling cousin, without hesitation, she informed me that she's throwing the bachelorette party (god love 'er). Which is really more of a Maid of Honor thing... but my Maid of Honor is in school full time and has a three year old, so it's just as well my cousin took the reigns.

After a delightful dinner, she presented me with a couple of options. This place will accomodate us with the VIP table, in which I'll have "The Hot Seat." Heh-heh. Just so long as none of them pull a "Gonzo," I'll be alright.

I'm also trying to convince my honey to have his party in the city that night as well. Is that too much? ...I figured since a few of my West Coast male friends will be in town. And we can all meet up at an after-hours, or for breakfast then catch the first train back to Jersey.

Assorted

2005-06-09T18:11:00.000-04:00

*Every married woman in my office has been telling me about their wedding (complete with photos) since my engagement was literally announced. (I told a co-worker- who developed into a friend- over lunch and when we walked back into the office, she shouted, "MARIETTA'S GETTING MARRIED!!")

*A co-worker (whom I barely know, and is nuttier than a Waldorf Salad) congratulated me with a hug and started to cry. Hard. On my shoulder. For an uncomfortably long time. Until the point where I let go. Then eventually gave her a consoling pat on the back.

*A couple of weeks ago, my brother calls me up, "Uh, I'm sorta engaged." I asked if she's 'half pregnant.' No, just out of her tree. They were in NYC and just happened to be walking by the diamond district and popped into a store. She walked out with a 3k heart-shaped rock. Paid 7Gs for it, appraised for 18.

Meanwhile, this chick just graduated from college, so I ask Jay, "Where'd she get the money for that?!"

-She fucking paid for it. Since then, my brother's new nickname is "Federline."

"Her father's loaded. Some big-shot real estate guy in CA. You know what he got her for a graduation present? He's building her a house in San Diego." So now it's like, hmmmm- he could do worse. My brother doesn't have any goals so this is a good way to become a homeowner.

But the reality of DogGirl is always in the back of my mind. I call 'em Sid & Nancy; they're totally crackers when intoxicated. But, whatev. I'll go to the wedding in Italy.

Gearing Up

2005-06-07T12:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, so aside from last week's vacation (inwhich enough booze was consumed for two lifetimes), I've been super strict with the diet and exercise. The clothing is loosening up a bit but the scale hasn't budged but a handful of pounds. Quite discouraging. (Note to self: chuck that liar out the window). I'm actually considering lyposuction -or lyposculpture as they're calling it these days- since on my most important day, I'll be wearing white. WHITE! I don't even where white in season. Let's just day, unless you're totally toned, it exaggerates your figure. No bueno. But my dress has a corset back, so that's form forgiving.

But my next fitting isn't until August 6th, so I have to remain totally committed. I just don't want to look at the wedding photo proofs and think, "OhMiGawd, I look so fat!" Can ya dig it? I knew that cha could.

Okay, I'm done kvetching.

On a related topic, my cousin tells me the bachelorette party is shaping up to be a crazy blow-out. I wish The Orange Showroom #5 were closer....

Snag!

2005-05-25T18:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in quite a while....

May as well be out with it:

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

At the end of this Summer. It is time, thought (and money) consuming- so that's the focal point of my life, obviously.

I won't bore you with details- let's face it, how original could they be, but I will leave you with this:

We've decided to change our last name to Amotesoro (Italian for Treasure of Love). Figured since we're starting a family (no, I'm not pregnant yet) may as well go with an new handle.

Erin Go Bragh-less

2005-03-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

Despite my complaints about this cluster-fuck of a city, today proves to be quite enjoyable. I wonder what makes this different from say, New Year's? Streets are packed with drunken tourists in ridiculous get-ups. Perhaps the ever so slight increase in temperature makes it more bareable? Nah. Gotta be the smokin' hot Mick cops and fire fighers, God love 'em. Christ, I'm a simple creature. Powerless when confronted with a pair of baby blues.

Don't take any guff from those swine

2005-02-21T10:38:00.000-05:00

After taking my three-year-old neice for the night Friday (a more effective means of birth control escapes me), my man and I decided to dedicate Saturday night to ice cold beer in frosty mugs, pizza and movies. With interludes of sex and sleep, we continued into Sunday afternoon: Godfather I and II back to back- but with bowls of spaghetti as the nutritional accompaniment, naturally. Afterward, another interlude (not sleep), I let my man choose from three of the library of movies in my collection which he had never seen. They included: Wild at Heart, Sunset Boulevard or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. He decided to hop in the back seat of the convertable with Gonzo and Raoul to go for a ride. May I take a moment; it is another effective deterrant for me- this time, drugs.... Gotta lay off the adrenochrome. Anyway, skip ahead to this morning, after another duel interlude (yes, life is good), my honey gets up to start his morning ritual- namely breakfast and ESPN highlights. I turn on the weather, hoping for an excuse to not leave bed, when he walks back into the room, "You ready for this? ESPN just reported that Hunter S. Thompson is dead. Apparent suicide." Gunshot wound to the head, I thought, he wouldn't take any other way out, "Did they say how?" "No, just an autopsy to follow."

Flipping through the channels brought me news of how to protect your kids from internet prowlers, the latest diet fad and traffic reports. Not a peep about Uncle Duke. Did they not know- or think the morning demographic would care? To me, his writing embodied everything I aspire to: sharp, funny, irreverent, poignant, embellished and thrilling. I hope he found some peace this existance couldn't offer.

Justin Case- that's bastard's had it coming it to him for some time now.

2005-02-18T15:10:00.000-05:00

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- A security screener at Newark Liberty International Airport failed to spot a butcher knife in a passenger's pocketbook and was removed from the post for retraining, officials said. Bell had put the knife in her bag "just in case" before going on a blind date earlier that week, her sister and travel companion, Tikisha Bell Gowens, 30, said in The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark.

Gimme the good old days when you had to be dating a man for at least a week before pulling a shiv on him...

Sex? Drugs? Rock-n-Roll?

2005-02-14T17:46:00.000-05:00

Is it not totally hot that lately Gwen can't be seen without school girls in tow?

And, what the hell, Fergie?! You could pull off something waaaay sexier than this:

AHHHHH!

AHHHHH!!!!

Oh, chello der.

2005-02-03T17:44:00.000-05:00

How's every little thing? Life is simply peachy. My man treats me like a princesa, every night comprised of sound rest, finally jumped on the NetFlix bandwagon to go along with the new 36" TV, work's challenging yet satisfying. Simply wonderful.

Makes for very boring writing. Hell, I don't even get furious like before. Oh, sure- my fuse still goes off like a rocket, but it lasts all of five seconds when I remind myself that these are little people trying to make something happen in their little lives... and that I got some this morning and probably will again when I get home.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly revisited

2005-01-13T11:15:00.000-05:00

Good: Getting a 9% bonus check next week. After State and Federal taxes, I'll take home a little more than half (Thanks, Uncle Sam). So I decided to blow it all on a bed.

Bad: Like nasty. As in, "Oh, you bad boy!" Speaking of blow: Twice in two weeks on the bus ride home, the guy in front of me had his knob gobbed (different guys, same act). Both times, I was on the phone; not paying any attention until we were about to stop. The lights go on, her head comes up, and the coat's in his lap. I'm all for public sex- but that's pretty bold. It's like seven o'clock and the bus is full of commuters. Am I the only one noticing?! Or am I the only one that wants to notice?

Ugly: While waiting for the bus this morning, the two ghetto bitches standing next to me are yappin about the latest pro-athlete rape accusation. One says, "Ain't no one gonna admit to raping a white woman!" The other one looks dead at me and retorts, "Anything that has to do with a black man or black woman is gonna come out because THEY to keep us down."

Oooookay. First of all, it has nothing to do with black or white. It's about careless people doing foolish things. Secondly, this is not 1956. Only you keeps you down. And third of all.....

No. Fuck that. I'm so sick of ignorant people crying racism while guilty of it themselves! Just because my skin is lighter than yours doesn't mean I have anything to do with the Anglo-Saxons. My Grandparents stepped off the boat from Italy. They worked hard so their progeny wouldn't have to. I went through the same public school system as you. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table and a good paying job; so I'm doing alright. What's your fucking excuse?!

Whew! Whatta month!

2004-12-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

Inspired by song, I joined Menudo for a while but they booted me when they found out I wasn't a 13 year old Mexican boy. And couldn't pull off Capezios.

But the stress of the tour degenerated my immune system- so acute Bronchitis had a hold of me for a bit.

Now, fresh on my feet (and well versed about lesbian nuns breaking the silence), the past week is all about packing up all my stuff and moving into my man's place. Friday is the deadline. About half way done. Yipes. That's mostly due to the time consuming task of de-felining his apartment. But with the rest of the week off, I won't disgrace my gypsy ancestors.

By the way, this'll be the fifth time I've moved since 2001. We'll see if those damn Feds can catch up with me....

So have the happiest of New Years....ah- 2000, that was a good one. I'll be making love amidst stacks of boxes and empty champagne bottles.

Ya buy me a soda and molest me in the parking lot

2004-12-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

Howdy Ho! I have been working hard, my pets. So this morning, I'm taking a few minutes to write out Xmas cards (to clients), check my email and finally update this here blog.

First of all- saw The Pixies on Saturday in the most dangerous city in the US- Camden, NJ. I just have three words: In. Fucking. Credible. Anyone going to see them next week is in for a real treat.

Sidenote about the show: When they took the stage, everyone stood up and I couldn't see a damn thing since I'm only 5'2" (5'7" with the afro). So my man and I moved into the aisle- and we weren't the only ones. Eventually, "Event Staff" came by to scoot everyone back to their seats. Now, we were dubiously situated on the concrete in between the last seat and the actual carpeting of the aisle. And since the security guard was a big, black man and I wore a white t-shirt with no bra, I thought it'd be to our advantage if I "danced" around to the music. Needless to say, we were the only ones he didn't approach; so we got to stay put. My man leans down and said, "Good job, honey." Heh-heh.

Did some MAJOR shopping this weekend also. It really put me in the Christmas spirit. Right now, the tourists aren't even bothering me... A co-worker said she was in Micky D's here on 6th Avenue when a woman and her children got on line behind her. The woman said, in a Texan accent, "Wooo! I can't wait until we get to the slower part of town!" So that'd be what? Jersey?

Good Gravy, Man!

2004-11-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

Holy smokes- I've been up to my eyeballs in work. But it's good- just no time for anything else (which will probably concern me in a couple of weeks).

Was walking to Port Authority last night, waiting at the light, right? Well, this mounted cop, pulling another horse behind him is coming up on the right of this cab. The cabbie starts to turn right as the first horse is almost infront of the cab. Mind you, this guy has his windows open, so one would assume he heard the clip-clop of the hooves. And they're not giraffes, for fuck sake, you don't just see legs out the windshield. So he starts to go, and the cop has to reign the horse back, startling everyone/animal involved and screams, "What are you, BRAINDEAD?! PAY ATTENTION!!" All us pedestrians got a good chuckle as we think the same thing of cabs on a regular basis. I thought for sure the cop would have dismounted had there not been another horse in tow....

So I get into PA, and theres a woman walking along with a cane (to catch a bus home, I assume) in four inch heeled boots. All I have to say about that is: Jersey Girls: Best in the World!

Enjoy your "We'll embrace you with one arm while stabbing you in the back with the other" holiday. To make it even more shallow, I'm just thankful there's a four day weekend involved.

Funny That...

2004-11-19T17:10:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt about taking off in a plane and was eerily calm about it. Strange, cause in real life, I have to be whacked out on a few stiff cocktails with a fist full of Dramamine.

As the date gets closer (Dec 31st), I grow more and more excited to move in with my man, even though this will be the fifth time since 2001 that I've changed residences.

In keeping up with this season's fashion, the women in my office have been sporting pins on their lapels, sweaters, etc. So I decided to root through my grandmother's jewelry to see what I had (I've forgotten since it's been packed away in a box for two years cause, well, see above paragraph). Not only did I discover some lovely broaches- I unearthed some menage a trois poloroids that I apparently hid so well, I couldn't find them for the life of me (And were to be destroyed before moving in with the last boyfriend).

Whew!

So I took them to work, blacked them out with a Sharpie, cut them into little tiny pieces, put them all into a pile and mixed thoroughly, placed handfulls in seven different envelopes and disposed of each (respectively) in the trash cans of New York City.

A bit excessive? Perhaps. Hopefully I wasn't followed and put on some sort of terrorist list (and if you freeze the film on frame 246...). But mostly, my man can't see those pictures. It's bad enough there's a video of me out there...somewhere....

Bye-Bye, Lardass

2004-11-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

So, for the past few mornings, I've been walking down 42nd Street to get to work for one reason or another and a few days ago, I noticed the DEA Museum right at the beginning of Times Square. In the lobby is the front half of a smashed car with several bongs strewn about the place. First of all, nobody takes a bong along for a joy-ride. You roll a joint or pack a bowl. I mean, seriously. Secondly, where are the bottles of booze? Rarely is there that severe of an accident without alcohol involved.

But the bit that really galls me: Wreckage of the WTC from September 11th with a banner ontop that reads, "Drug Trafficking, Terrorists and You."

Somebody pah-lese explain to me what the fuck scoring a sack has to do with a pack of batty scourges on a suicide mission?! HMMM? Because I can't wrap my head around it....

Then Drop On The Deck and Float Like a Fish!

2004-11-16T16:05:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to take my niece to see the SpongeBob movie. Although, I may have to thow back a few first in order to deal with the other kids in the theatre.

And I simply must see The Incredibles. And I can't wait for A Life Aquatic.

Ah, me.

On another note, most of the XXXMas shopping is done. Since Mercury will be in retrograde from Nov 30th to Dec 20th, it may jack up the holiday shopping....

Speakin of which, my man took me to Peddler's Village this weekend. All Mom and Pop stores right in a row. Found lots of fun stuff. And did lots more fun stuff in the back of his car in the dark, dark parking lot after everyone split.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2004-11-11T18:04:00.000-05:00

*On Monday, my boss is giving away a Turducken for Thanksgiving (delivered to your door via FreshDirect with all the trimmings) to an employee. He's basically putting all our names in a hat and picking one lucky, lucky bastard.

*My landlord is being a real twat about this move. Trying to say I have to pay for ad and credit check fees. Um, yeah....no. Little does she know, I have a bevy of lawyers at my fingertips. They helped me find the statutes stating exactly what I'm responsible for (ie- the rest of the rent if no one moves in before my lease expires). AND in New Jersey, the state law requires the landlord to refund the deposit regardless if I move out before the lease is up. I highly doubt they will (since there's a clause in our lease that I forfeit the deposit- but the lawyers assured me the state law takes precedence) within 30 days, in which case I may sue for double the amount, heh-heh.

*And not so lucky was one of my pregnant co-workers (her belly's so huge, it doesn't even look real anymore) on the lovely W train back to Brooklyn. Obviously with child and left standing, some women next to her addressed a man in the closest seat, "Why don't you get up for her?" His response:

I didn't get her pregnant.

Well then, Checkers can keep you company in Hell

2004-11-09T17:52:00.000-05:00

So, I purposely didn't initiate the "lets move in together" talk since A) my boyfriend owns a condo and B) he has cats. What was I supposed to say, "Uh, ya wanna move into my too-small-for-the-price apartment and get rid of your pets?" No. I let him decide when it was time and ask me.

The other night, in a drunken moment, I hastily brought up the subject of his remaining cat. I basicly asked for him to hurry it up so I can move my stuff in at my own pace. Okay- maybe I could have done it with a little more tact. Naturally, he questioned the sincerity of my concern for his feelings (re: giving up his pal). And he started in with, "Everyone I talk to says 'I would never give up my pets!'" To which I indignantly declared, "I didn't know I was getting into a relationship with you and everybody."

Yeah, I know- bad move. But hey- my only defense is that line came out after four 22oz beers, a bottle of champagne and three rum and cokes. Not that it's really an excuse...but anyway...

Blah, blah, blah- long story short, we made up with sloppy, drunken sex. Tasty.

But here's my problem with the situation, and I've heard this more than once. I really, really, really can't stand people who would so brazenly declare to anyone who'll listen that an animal companionship could supersede a human one. (Especially ones filling my man's head with that poison). If you really don't like people that much- fine. Keep it to yourself like all the other misanthropes and die a lonely death that no one notices until your "buddies" have devoured half your corpse.

Thank You. Come again!

2004-11-05T18:16:00.000-05:00

So, I was in Starbucks this morning (don't hold it against me, I'm addicted to Chai lattes), in the queue. And I look over to my left- and guess who's on line next to me?!

Ga head, guess.....

HANK AZARIA!

And he happened to be looking in my direction (not that I thought he was checking me out like Tim Roth or anything) when that moment of, "OH MI GAWD, THAT'S HANK AZARIA," came to my face. All I could do was smile and demurely say, "Hi Hank." He smiled back, waved and gave me a, "Hello," in that pseudo-Frinkian voice of his.

This is the part I'm proud of because my brain usually freezes in these situations- I said, "I love your Guatemalaness" in that crazy accent. He laughed and thanked me. That amped me all day- returning the favor to someone who has brought the funny for years.

Blue Tulip Nation!

2004-11-03T17:44:00.000-05:00

I tell ya, man- a four day weekend does wonders....

At the Halloween Parade, some guy covered himself in stickers that said, "Re-Defeat Bush." Oh well.

Also, a darling friend pointed out that some of the greats didn't make it to Thirty-three: John Belushi, Jesus. Very important age, indeed.

Speaking of my birthday, may I brag for just a moment? My only bought me a little trinket for my neck- dropped two hunnies on it. This is the first time a man has ever given me jewelry that wasn't a genuine diamelle.

Happy Halloween

2004-10-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

Dirty Thirty Three

2004-10-29T13:32:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes. November 1st is my birthday- All Saints Day and Dios de los Muertos. Sharing the occasion are Lyle Lovett, Toni Collette, Jenny McCarthy and Fernando Valenzuela...

Action-packed weekend planned- Open House tonight. Costume party tomorrow night. Trick or treats with my niece Sunday then to the parade. Monday, my man's taking me shopping for a gift, to a fancy-schmancy dinner and desert (and champagne) at a room with a jacuzzi. Tuesday is all about skee-ball and slices of pizza the size of your head.

Jealous?

Haphazard

2004-10-28T16:35:00.000-04:00

*My three-year-old niece left a note on my door the other day: a post-it with scribbles. And called it to Jay's attention as she did so, as if to make sure he told me.

*Two people have already come to see the apartment.

*Bought my man a Set For Life scratch off ticket as a thank you for watching over me and he won $25. He decided to use that money towards 16 Genny Cream Ales for us at the Court Tavern this weekend. WOO-HOO!!

*I absolutely love my new job although one day it may bother me that I'm facilitating corporate greed.

*So, I'm cleaning the bathroom last night and notice on one of the shelves, stupid NonGirlfriend put her toothbrush into my Mirage Marketing pint glass. AARGGHH!!!! Two more months and I'll be done with it all.

*The Gap chords my man bought last weekend look absolutely delicious over his ass.

*One of the things that keeps me intrigued with NYC: Walking to Port Authority last night and pass a couple. The woman stomps her foot and gestures for the man to come to her- with that crazy fixed-eye pissed off look, right? The guy turns around and nonchalantly asks, "What?" And that just sent her over the edge. Coming up on my left is another random person who obviously witnessed the episode because he had a smirk on his face, as did I. "Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship," I comment to him. "Yeah, I'm just glad I'm not on the receiving end of that," he adds. We laughed heartily in our shaudenfraude and continued our separate ways.

Fresh Copenhagen Chilidogs

2004-10-27T13:35:00.000-04:00

Bottom of the Hill newsstand is now closed for good.

Let's have a moment of silence.

The Politics of Love

2004-10-26T18:10:00.000-04:00

Continuing along the non sequitur of yesterday:

*Ellen DeGeneres lists in this month's Bazaar why a woman would make a good president. Among my favorites are:
1) Foreign relations would improve because a woman president would just keep calling back saying, "We need to talk."
2) It would reinvigorate the pantsuit industry.
3) Wouldn't you love to see a Secret Service agent holding the presidential purse?
4) A female president would probably introduce more soft, muted tones to the White House. Perhaps after some redecorating, it would be called the Eggshell House.
5) "Hail to the Chief" would be played an octave higher, or it would be replaced entirely by Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious."

*Despite my tough exterior, I'm quite fragile. And yesterday a new chapter was added: allergic reaction to legumes. It could have been the cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts or brazil nuts (I've since made an appointment for the tests). One minute I'm eating a bag of mixed nuts- next my uvula is swelling and my inner ears itch. I thought for sure I was going to have an anaphylactic episode. With the EpiPen at the ready, a handful of Benedryl goes into my system. But I didn't panic since there was no difficulty breathing.

Okay, an hour and a half later, I get on the bus. My man, all dressed up, is waiting for me at a restaurant downtown (Brumfus), the poor darling. He insisted on bringing me home, put me in bed, made doubly sure I didn't need anything and waited out the potential attach (it usually occurs 6-7 hours after I eat) as I passed out from all the antihistimines pumping through my system. After about five hours sleep, he got up and went to work this morning.

I need to do something really special for him tonight.

It's not easy being green

2004-10-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

Saw Ralph Nader speak at Rutgers this weekend (primarily because a friend wanted her picture with him for her X-Mas card). He's such a smart, articulate man. Without a doubt the best candidate for President. Which is precisely why he won't get elected. His ideas are too radical for middle America. But I'm not voting for him. Last year's debacle cannot be repeated.

On a completely unrelated topic: My man said that he hates his last name. So I'm thinking of a name for us because this is the man I will marry (Not anytime soon, people, don't have a cow). I'm leaning towards creating a combo word like Amotesoro (Treasure of Love).....

Six More Shopping Days

2004-10-25T13:21:00.000-04:00

Until my birthday, lovers. My favorite color is red.

Crunch Time

2004-10-20T14:59:00.000-04:00

Taking my man to the Bronx tonight to experience the vibe.

Sidenote: He's never been and I'm totally hung over from last night's game. Oy!

And When You're Near I Just Can't Sit Still A Minute...

2004-10-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

During my lunch break yesterday, I took all the necessary paperwork down to the Sprint store. The rep didn't even look at them -pulled up my account, read through the notes, and promptly credited. The entire conversation lasted five minutes.

Since I now had 55 minutes to kill- walked over to Ricky's for Halloween supplies. My man and I are doing the Big Bad Wolf/Little Red Riding Hood theme since I've always had a special affinity for Tex Avery's Red Hot Riding Hood.

At home, I showed the costumes to Jay. He chuckled remembering the events of last evening at 3am when he ran around the neighborhood in his boxers, a cape and a Dracula mask, knocking on doors and demanding blood. I don't need to mention that alcohol and a dare were involved, do I?

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ!

2004-10-18T10:37:00.000-04:00

AMERICA, fuck yeah!

Went to Virgil's BBQ on Friday night to celebrate K-Dawg's new racket. The only down side is that I'll be craving those hush puppies for a week. Mmmmmmm, maple butter.

Then we saw Team America World Police. Go see it if you want to laugh your ass off...

Met my man's best friend Saturday night. Nice guy. Since I drove (love that PT Cruiser- looks like a hearse), didn't start drinking until we got back to my place. Rum and Coke- yummy!

After we were sufficiently toasted (around 3am), Jay breezes in and just as abruptly starts to leave. I stop him to ask where the hell he's been (since he blew off a bunch of friends who kept coming by the house looking for him). He was giving some lame explanation, I notice the butt of his (plastic BB) gun sticking out of his pocket.

"What the hell are you doing with that gun?!" Now this get's my man's attention, who promptly comes to the door.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just going to kick some kid's ass."

"With a fake gun?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

"It's fine, it's fine," he insisted while trying to shut the door on me, "He's nothing." And he splits. My man takes off after him; I'm stuck putting on shoes.

When I finally leave the house, NonGirlfriend walking up to the door. Ushering her with me while giving the skinny, we get to the block where there should have been a big commotion. I thought for sure there'd be fists flying.

Apparently, the kid (who NonGF explained to be a big, black guy- with three friends) took off. Jay and my man went back to our place.

Naturally, it involved the guy grabbing NonGF's ass- or she grabbed his and blamed Jay- I have no idea. We were all crocked. The entire thing was ridiculous.

The bottom line is suburban domestic bliss can't happen soon enough.

Can ya hear me now, Muthafuckahs?!

2004-10-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

I just spent an hour, the worst hour of recent days, on the phone with an agent and three other "supervisors" at Sprint PCS.

Here's the deal:

I had an extra on my plan that for $5 a month, my unlimited night and weekend calls started at 7pm (as opposed to 9pm with the regular plan).

I decided to cancel that and did so via their website on September 30th. I received a notification (on the site and via email) that it will go into effect the next billing cycle. (Cycles start on the 7th of the month and end the 6th of the next month). So, the cancellation would go into effect October 7th, right?

WRONG!!!

When I received the bill for this particular cycle, calls made on October 6th after 7pm were charged as if the plan had already gone into effect (totaling approx $40- effectively doubling the bill).

When I called to clarify, all four representatives said that the cancellation goes into effect the day before the billing cycle ends (October 5th), regardless of notification I received.

When I tried to explain that I already paid for services from September 7th to October 6th (they bill a month in advance for premium services) and was notified that the cancellation will not take effect until next billing cycle, I am not responsible for the charges.

All representatives said that is Sprint policy (to cancel the day before the cycle ends) and FLAT OUT refused to credit my bill, "If we credit your account, we have to credit everyone's account!" But offered to connect me with the IT department to make a suggestion on how to correct the site.

One "supervisor" said she would not give credit because of a note (on my account) not to do as such (from one of the previous three losers). I wanted to speak with someone higher up that could.... She said there was no one in the entire company that could over-ride a supervisor's note. I then asked if I were indeed speaking to the CEO of Sprint.

She promptly hung up after I asked to connect me with her supervisor, since it now had nothing to do with billing so much as lousy customer service.

A complaint to the BBB and FCC later, I researched Sprint's policy. Yeah, it says the last day, not the day before. So I printed that honey up, since the FCC wants me to send supporting documents.

It's not even the $40 now- it's the principal of the matter. They're fucking with the wrong bitch.

And, yes, it has been a slow day at the office.

How Now Brown Cow?

2004-10-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

Alright, welp- Jay has decided to move in with NonGirlfriend. One of her roommates is leaving at the end of December, so they are taking her bedroom (much bigger than the rest) and will rent out NonGF's instead.

Upon reviewing the lease, we can break it but will have to pay rent until occupied (or lease runs out, obviously whichever comes first). Hopefully, they'll be able to get someone in there by January 1st. But seriously, what's their incentive to have it rented a.s.a.p. if they're getting paid either way? I'll trust time is on my side.

Get over here, you damn ducks!

2004-10-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

Last night, my man asked me to move in with him. Naturally, I told him to get knotted.

C'mon! You know I said yes! Yes! A thousand times YES!

Now there's just the small matter of the lease (at my appartment), my brother and how the fuck I'm gonna get to work. Maybe I'll just break down and buy a car already (hmm, maybe I shouldn't put break-down and car in the same sentence) cause my New Brunswick parking pass is good until next June.

So, here's to hoping everything falls into place in time for the sweet baby Jesus' birthday. That'd be a loverly gift.

Smalbany

2004-10-07T17:07:00.000-04:00

This town is really, really, really..........

slow

I'm leaving the office now to see what kind of trouble I can scare up- if any.

I Can't Believe It's Not Boyfriend™

2004-10-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, I have to tear through this post cause my new position as a Customer Service Associate (or as the rest of the world calls it, paralegal) is extremely demanding on my time.

This may be my only post this week as I will be in our Albany office for training starting tomorrow. So if anyone wants to come up to the state capital and party with me- you're more than welcome. Got a room on the company dime....we could order some expensive champagne and cheap women.....

Also, last night I dreamt that I cheated on my boyfriend with the singer from Modest Mouse. He lived in some hippie commune with one bathroom at the end of the hall and cats in cages being fed pygmy marmosetts. Disgusting.

And over the weekend, I had a dream that I was dating Fabio! We were at Ricky's (where I actually saw him a few months back hocking his cheezy wears) picking out wigs for the Halloween Parade.

And I'm wondering if this is some sort of subconscious self sabotage because I think my man's too good for me.

He really is wonderful, you know.

Oh! And check this- Out of the blue, my brother-in-law calls me up, saying that he'd like to take us all out for dinner Saturday night! (Jay, sis and the baby, boyfriend and me) How bout them apples? I think we're on our way to becoming one big, happy family!

But then of course, African Swallows are non-migratory.

2004-10-01T09:25:00.000-04:00

My man started feeling me up in the middle of Python's Holy Grail last night, and well you know- one thing led to another. It's a tantalizing mix; tossing between furious passion and hysterical laughter.........

Anyway, he's taking me to meet the fam this weekend. And I reeeeeally hope he doesn't have an overbearing mother. Inevitably, those types dislike me. Kinda like a Clash of the Titans situation, I guess. Or maybe the thinly veiled lust in my eyes makes them cringe at the thought of their sweet, innocent boy in the arms of such a harlot.

At least, the latter was the case with your mother, eh Alchemist? Or did she disapprove of me for different reasons entirely?

I May Vomit

2004-09-30T16:14:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night, my brother and NonGirlfriend had a 2am session that woke up the entire house (including the upstairs neighbors). Homegirl was screaming- the loudest I've ever heard- like she was turning into a dog instead of just being fucked by one*. Adding insult to injury, Jay's music selection was along the lines of Aesop Rock...

I wake up at 6am to have a 12 hour day- and Jay knows this. Considering I also spent the past two days with a head cold, to awake in the wee hours of the morning pissed me off, to say the least. So much so I yelled through the vent at them, "OKAY, LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT! CHRIST!" (Hey, being whacked out on NyQuil does strange things to a gal). Yeah, that was an exercise in futility.

The next day, I spoke a bit more rationally with my brother, outlining the numerous ways in which he's an excellent roommate. The middle-of-the-night fuckfests had, indeed, been tamer (the first two months were ridiculous). However, last night seemed simply uncalled for and needed to cease entirely (of that magnitude).

Naturally, Jay apologized and made concessions. He also divulged that beforehand, he informed her they needed to be quiet, since our nephew was crashing on the couch.

Suddenly it made sense. That repugnant, loathsome, bestial skank wanted my nephew to hear her (hence the increased volume) at the expense of everyone else in the house.

But the jokes on her. Travis is a heavy sleeper and wasn't affected in the least**.

*I don't understand that. If you're going to go through the trouble of reaching the decibel level of howler monkeys, don't you want to at least sound sexy, for fuck's sake?!

**Besides, I already briefed him so he shuddered when she walked by.

Steadfast and True

2004-09-30T09:25:00.000-04:00

What the hell is wrong with Emotional Rescue?! Quit your belly-aching- falsetto is sexy. Even my painfully shy boyfriend sang a completely unsuited song.

And who knew my nephew's gravely voiced rendition of Born on a Bayou would bring the house down?

I, on the other hand, haven't sucked so hard since rent was due.

Poppa Needs a New Pair of Schuchs!

2004-09-27T14:12:00.000-04:00

Me to a co-worker this morning, "How was your High Holiday?"

"Interesting."

"Interesting?!"

"Yeah, we ate Saturday after sun down and my Father-in-Law piled us all in the car and took us directly to Atlantic City."

"You win?"

"No. That's what I get for jumping into the fire."

Are You Ready to Rock?!

2004-09-27T13:12:00.000-04:00

If you have the means, check out the American Museum of Natural History's special exhibit on frogs. Ya know, if you're into that sort of thing.

I, however, will be rockin the mike tonight with my Cuz , my nephew, my man, my oldest friend and possibly my brother. So if you're in the mood, join us! You may catch a kickin version of Heartbreaker (by either Led Zep or Pat Benatar- I haven't decided).

I've always been fond of Colonel Angus...

2004-09-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

Who knew that beneath that rough and tumble exterior, beat a heart of an inspiring Danielle Steele, Nora Roberts or at the very least, Judith Krantz.

News Roundup. I have to admit that this headline stopped me a little short when I saw it on Google news: How Will the General Use His Huge Mandate? Can't you just see that line towards the end of some euphemism-laden Harlequin romance? With lust in his eyes, General Goodbody strode across the now-empty ballroom towards the wide-eyed Deborah. With one hand he tore open her bodice and with the other he pulled Deborah towards him, kissing her passionately. As he lifted her from the ground and carried her up the stairs to the master bedroom, there was just one thought on Deborah's mind: How will the General use his huge mandate?

And your father is a alcohawwwwwlic

2004-09-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

Passing a schoolyard on my way home last night, I overheard a conversation between three little girls.

One walked up with an Italian ice in hand. The other two said things like, "Awww, you got ice cream?!" Which prompted the girl to stick her tongue out at the two, turn around and wag her butt in their faces, repeatedly. All the while with a shit-eating grin on her face.

And I thought- Yeah! That's how you gloat, man! Unashamedly.

So I'll be doing the same whenever anyone asks about my promotion or new man.

At Peace With The Curl

2004-09-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

Ever since I could remember, my curly hair has always done what it wants too, when it wants too. As a girl, there was nothing I wanted more than straight hair. Well, maybe a date with John Taylor. But if I could look like the others- so effortless and silky perfect; they knew nothing about the deads of humidity. My best attempt involved a round brush and half-a-can of Extra Super Hold Aqua Net.

Then in my 20's, one of my roommates was a hairdresser. She gave me miracle products (i.e. Sebastian Molding Mud) and my hair became bigger and more beautiful than ever! I looked right out of Moonstruck.

After being a blonde for a few years, the damage unkinked my corkscrew locks to the point of distress. I was ready to pack it in and *gasp* relax my hair. That same day of contemplation, my girl gave me a book:

Curly Girl became my new bible. At first seemed unorthodox- No shampoo? No hairdryer? No combs?! Ever?! ...Eh, what the hell? Worth a shot.

Words cannot describe the results. I thought my hair coiled before! My tresses are at an all-time fabulousness.

Anyway, if your hair has any kind of curl to it, check this book out. You can thank me later.

I said diet vanilla pepsi

2004-09-23T14:48:00.000-04:00

Did anyone catch Rescue Me last night? (If you're not watching...you really should)

That scene in the hotel room with the champagne and whip cream was really hot. *May have to stage a reenactment*

Speaking of which- how great was it that they dramatized the incident in Central Park?

Bawdy

2004-09-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a dream that after stepping out of a NYC restaurant to have a smoke (apparently conditioned to be law-abiding even during slumber), a Porsche pulls over to pick up the tranny hooker working the block (bolero fur jacket and all). As the car rolls up to the light, the driver is none other than the pencil thin mustached maven of trash himself, Mr. John Waters. Thrilled to catch him in a lascivious act, I shout, "I see you, John!!"

Although recalling his retort upon waking, it escapes me now. However, I do remember the hooker throwing back her head in laughter as they sped away.

Perhaps it was an anticipatory premonition of his new movie. Which, by the way- don't you think he and Johnny Knoxville go together like stink on a monkey?

Hee-hee, me love you broddah long time

2004-09-22T09:23:00.000-04:00

One o'clock in the morning, I get up to pee. Someone's in the bathroom so I park it on the living room sofa. A few moments later, NonGirlfriend walks past, stark naked, notices I'm there and giggles. Groggy and now hot, I quip, "Christ! Wrap a fucking towel around yourself at least!"

It's not that I'm anti-nudity. And I understand that it was the middle of the night and she was just using the can. But this becomes another spoke in the wheel of disregard for the fact that someone other than Jay lives in the apartment. Hell, even he and I don't bare it all in common areas- and that has nothing to do with the fact we're siblings- his old roommate never saw him in the buff either.

Jeebus, it seems every time I make an effort to be nice to this chick (I offered her to share in Monday's bounty) she does something to put right back at square one: seething repugnance.

Yeah, I'm a control freak. So the fuck what?

Antipasti Italiani

2004-09-20T15:27:00.000-04:00

For lunch break, I ran over to 9th Avenue (while wearing all black) to pick up some ingredients for dinner.

The main course was to be broccoli rabe with sweet sausage over fusilli. The rest'd be figured out during the shopping trip.

The produce market I frequent was subsequently out of broccoli rabe. Not wanting to come back after work, I had to think of something else on the fly. And looking around at just fruits and vegetables wasn't helping any.

So I head down to the Italian store (where I was going to buy the meat, pasta and grated romano) for other ideas. Surrounded by various wonderful cheeses and olives in buckets - the decision made itself- all appetizer dinner. Culled from various stores in the area, here's what's on tonight's menu:

Nicoise, Bosana and black oil cured olives
Marinated mushrooms and artichokes
Genoa salami (sliced thin)
Provolone cheese
Hothouse tomato, buffalo mozzarella and basil salad
Semolina bread (with spiced olive oil on the side)
Fresh figs
Big-ass bottle of red wine
And, of course, cannolis for dessert

Figured now that I actually have the girlfriend slot, I should start earning it, no?

Sophistimacated

2004-09-20T10:06:00.000-04:00

This weekend uncovered that quite a few of my friends never heard of a Waldorf Salad, the phrase "Hair of the dog that bit you," or Faith Evans is the widow of Biggie Smalls.

On the plus side of revelations: I'm the best singer in the office and my man turns into a magnificent sexy beast in the sack.